


In The Shadows - A Malec Story

by ijay



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2016-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-20 08:32:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 30,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4780709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ijay/pseuds/ijay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec's emotions aren't making any sense whatsoever and he's kind of panicking about it.<br/>Just a little.<br/>And it doesn't help that that... that Magnus Bane... never mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sense?

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't realize this was going to turn into a full-on fan fiction but I have just recently been awarded the wonderful gift of free time so I'm going to try to put up a new chapter every day! 
> 
> fairly short chapters, so I don't kill myself, or anything, as I do have five hours to do an insane amount of work each day... but anyways. 
> 
> enjoy !!

Her hair was a raging red, her eyes were green, her skin was clear, Alec had never dated before, and it just made sense, he supposed. Alec Lightwood and Quinn Seelie just made sense.

She was different, simultaneously a child and a goddess, exquisitely carefree and wild. She was the person that would dance around barefoot in the middle of a city, with her hair flowing around her and her porcelain skin sparkling and her freckles winking in the sunlight. The one who completely knew how she looked and her unique identity and used it to her advantage. She had a sort of manic, playful spark in her eye that sunk right into everyone's- particularly the male species'- hearts. And it did twist Alec's a little bit, when he saw her. But, for whatever reason, for reasons he liked to think revolved around his sports and studies instead of wasting time with girls, he passed on by without much of a second glance. Not like Jace, not like Matthew, not like Arthur, not like the boys that say they hated the girl's guts but let their gaze linger on her shoulders, face, hair anyways, as much as they wanted to look away. Alec just... He just didn't. He didn't know why he didn't.

Quinn didn't like that, as it turns out, a month into junior year of high school, where she wove a web of a conversation around Alec and under his feet, and then tripped him up by asking if he thought he was too good to say hi once in awhile.

Alec didn't like that idea. He knew he was solemn. He didn't like being mean. And he didn't think he had been being mean, but something about Quinn made him... feel guilty. Feel like he was selling her short. Or hurting her.

Alec, unable to respond, walked away.

As it turns out, Quinn actually did like that. Very much. So much that she continued catching Alec after his classes, and soon enough, her intoxicating words, dripping with a sort of ambrosiac quality Alec had never quite been exposed to before, had managed to rope him into coffee after school, studying after school, giving her rides after school…

It was all like a numb dream. She did all the talking, and Alec tuned in and out when he wanted to. It was relaxing. It was not a bad friendship to have, and she was a very unique, exotic specimen of person- like some foreign alienistic flower. It was hard not to enjoy being around such a different type of beauty like that.

And one day, while Alec was driving her to school, he nearly got into a car accident as she laced her hand through his at a stop sign.

His brain slammed into itself, and he panicked, flinging a gaze to her, wide-eyed, before guilt fell over his expression, causing the panic to grow even further. To his utter and bewildered surprise, she doubled over laughing, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"Okay?" her voice like ringing honey, warm on his ear. And Alec, throat tight and stomach twisted in a way he couldn't quite decipher, nodded.

"We're going to be a bonded pair," she announced, quietly, words trickling against his earlobe, and he froze again, automatically. Fifteen of the longest silent seconds had gone by, and a car honked behind him, causing him to jump in a flurry of motion, a slam of thoughts smashing its way into his body. Somehow, the ones that emerged was "are you stupid?" And "Do you want this?" And "This tightness in your chest? It means something."

It must be attraction. That's what it was. How was Alec too stupid to realize it?

Was attraction supposed to make your stomach feel this queasy?

With a start, Alec realized he was driving, and he slowed down to another stop to look towards Quinn. Quinn, who was apprehensive, tight-lipped, looking at him with wide, watchful eyes, vulnerable- the first time he'd ever seen her like that. And Alec, slowly, numbly, nodded. Once. And a smile broke out on her face that looked like a sunflower blooming, and they made sense, him and her- they were both attractive, and she was wild where he was still, and he was on the starting varsity football team and had a 4.0 GPA and she was the vivid, hypnotizing girl that did nothing and had no talents and skipped through the halls and was going nowhere, but was so damn sparkly and so damn bold and so damn carefree that it was easy to just look at the surface and stare and stare and stare. And they were both beautiful. And there were values in both and they were both too good for the other and they shouldn’t make sense but for whatever reason in they did.

And so they became Quinn and Alec.

****  
  



	2. Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this high school is weird and Alec's feelings are weirder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> excited for this. <3

Jace, of course, had flirted with Quinn every day, which he continued to do even a week after Alec and Quinn had announced their dating status. Which made Alec uncomfortable, and a little flushed, but not angry. He wondered if he should be more bothered than he was. Quinn, on the other hand, was very clearly bothered, and had demanded to know why he would stand by and watch something like that happen. He had said something, a bit lamely, about Jace being harmless, his face contorting into discomfort. She could see everything on his face. Almost everyone could. But only she could hook her fingers underneath the expressions and rearrange them to her desire.

"Perhaps," she began, but stopped. She looked at him strangely, and then a slicing moment dragged between the two and their eye contact, and Alec's chest jumped and lodged in his throat, and he thought "Oh", though he wasn't sure quite why-

And then she dragged him forward, and he stumbled into her, and it was messy, and she flitted her delicate fingers- like butterflies- through and around his hair, and he was still veering from the momentum forward but she held onto his mouth and wouldn't let go, softly and gently opening it to flicker and slither and flit a tongue in there in ginger motions and movements, and Alec's heart was pounding in his ears and he knew he was going to throw up and he could feel his tongue attempt to sluggishly stir but it couldn't move-

And then he had fallen, unable to keep his balance, the ungraceful piece of crap that he was, and he brought them both crashing, mouths dislodging, finally, his head smashing into the locker.

"Grace," Quinn had screamed her signature phrase, laughing a little, cradling his head. "Grace, grace, grace-"

"I'm fine," Alec managed, trying to find a smile and not being able to. His head hurt and his stomach hurt and Quinn was still so beautiful-

And he'd never kissed anyone. Not really. A couple chaste pecks when he was younger, before he detached himself from dating.

Not kisses like the whirling mess of passion they were starting to get themselves into.

And so that's why- as the most terrible boyfriend (? Is that what he was now?) on the planet- Alec had fumbled up, his head aching, and raced for the bathrooms, Quinn calling his name and following behind.

"I think I have a concussion!" He called back, woozily, stumbling. It wasn't a false statement. "I need to clear my head!"

The footsteps followed a little more halfheartedly, and he ducked into the boy's locker room, head in hands, breathing heavily. Only Quinn would have this effect on him. If it was any other girl, he'd be calm, but Quinn... She was too good for him here. He couldn't just suck at kissing like that. He couldn't be so bad at relationships anymore. He needed help. Desperately.

He remained in the locker room for a while, breathing in the stuffy mixture of sweat, armpit, stink, overwhelming amounts of body cologne, and the faintest hint of gatorade, which was pooled around his feet on the floor. He still felt nauseated, he felt out of place, and for the first time, he realized that Quinn's "too good for him" might really be too good for him.

A burst of laughter exploded from the side door and Alec jolted violently, hands trembling a little, feeling sick. Was he that far gone for Quinn that he didn't even realize? Was this the prospect of losing her getting to him? If this was love, love sucked. It hurt like hell and made him want to throw up and he wanted out of it now.

Although, Alec supposed this is why it's so hard to leave love, why everyone made such a big deal out of it- because it was so catastrophically problematic. You can't help who you fell in love with. You can't help how hard you fell. Maybe, somehow, there's a good side to all of this, if he managed to pass her tests, if he can figure out how to kiss correctly, if he can be a good boyfriend, if he's up to her standards, if she doesn't tire of him, if if if if-

The burst of laughter and movement had filled the room where only stench and stink had resigned, and Jace and a couple of friends faltered a little at the sight of Alec, who had raised his head miserably.

It took Jace a couple of seconds to decipher Alec's look. That was all he ever needed, really, to know what was going on. The thought made Alec smile, and something loosened and twisted the other way, in a way that made him want to throw up even more, and he pushed his vomit down.

And then Jace laughed, the little bastard, and Alec soured, and he latched onto that feeling. Anger he could deal with. Whatever... This... God, love was, he clearly couldn't.

"Trouble in paradise?" Jace laughed, and the other two guys- Michael and Arthur- whistled and hooted, Arthur giving Alec a well-meaning smile. "With Quinn, Queen Bitch? Who could've guessed?" he jabbed Alec in the stomach, one finger after another, and the closeness of Jace wasn't helping, for once, and Alec caught a whiff of the woodsy musk that- once, the time that Jace had discovered it freshman year- had rampaged their entire household. Maylis Lightwood had not been pleased for a second that day.

"Queen Bitch?" Alec snapped. "That's not what you were calling her two days ago."

"I told her she was hot two days ago. Unrelated. It is also a valid statement. You can be outstandingly hot and also a bitch. I'm a perfect example of that."

To prove it, he promptly took off his shirt. He pranced around the place, posing, with his admittedly lean, strong, ridiculous abs and biceps. The other boys rolled their eyes and followed suit, changing out of their weight training clothes into regular wear.

And Alec was overwhelmingly angry, and it nearly overtook him, and he couldn't find any other conclusion to make than it was just Jace, Jace was being stupid, Jace was taking his problems for granted, Jace didn't realize the magnitude of his problem, Jace didn't realize that Alec- oh, god, here comes the bile- was in love-

And Alec had to get out of there, immediately, but then he might run into Quinn, who might break up with him, or try to kiss him again, and then realize what a piece of crap he was and break up with him, and a rolling, turbulent ocean of emotions sloshed and crashed within his ribcage.

He slipped towards the door in the back, the door past the football lockers, and he ran into a body. Hard.

He was very blonde, and for a second, Alec's mind seized, thinking he was Jace. And then he turned around, a squinted scowl that was most decidedly not Jace, and Alec started functioning again, realizing- water polo boy, blue jersey in hand. He was a Warlock.

Shadows High School was weirder beyond its name could even reflect. The hierarchy was complex, the society complicated, the people a web of connections intertwining with each other in a hate and love that goes deeper than any other high school. It was a high school founded on tradition and pride, run since 1941 by the Clave, a collection of elected elders, almost always past alumni. And for all of its flaws that comes with its highly highly highly traditional society, almost all of the students- no matter how they felt about the Clave or their peers- felt a strong, fierce connection to the school itself, wanting to defend it from any outside attacks or criticisms, sneering at other high schools that lacked in school spirit and trudged through their ordinary lives. It was built more like a college, and had thousands of people spilling in, so it divided into different sections, different Institutes, numbered one through five. Other authorities were itching to divide it down into two separate schools, at the very least, two campuses, but haven't found a valid reason to.

What made Shadows High School so weird was its many divisions. There were divisions among Institutes, yes- some people in Institute 5 would never know anyone from Institue 1, and vice versa. There were divisions among families, since so many legacy families came back, or sent their kids to the boarding dorms of the school, that their names were recycled over and over through the halls.

And then there were divisions among sports. And it was so odd- in battles (or, rather, "games"), the football team would be rampant and cheer the soccer team on, or the swim and water polo team would go crazy for the basketball team, and the baseball team would collectively cheer at the soccer battles. But at school...

At school, it was like they were different species. The sports teams even had different names, which the Clave had attempted to change multiple times to one, overall "Shadows" name, to create unity, but tradition would always beat it.

Warlocks were swim and water polo. Werewolves were soccer and lacrosse. Hunters were football and fencing. Vampires- and this was the name that made no sense- were baseball and basketball. And the Faeries were dance, cheerleading, gymnastics. It didn't make sense why it was like this, but it was simply how it always had been since the founding of the school.

Sometimes Alec wondered what would happen if they were all united. The rivalry between all teams were thick, and intense, and painfully uncomfortable sometimes. And at other moments, after championships have been won, after about a couple months of off season, the rivalry dips a little. The dating pool widens, and teams start to mingle. It wasn't just that everyone was prejudiced. Although they were, there was no denying, but it was more than that. It was hard to hang out with friends other than the groups you hung out with constantly, and it was hard to form bonds with people other than the ones you were around constantly, bonds that others couldn't possibly understand, and it was hard to date other people when there were perfectly familiar, beautifully familiar, perfectly available people that you already hung around anyways. Quinn and Alec were a bit of an exception, although Faeries and Hunters were probably the most common intersport dating pool.

Sometimes, Alec does grow increasingly uneasy and anxious about the politics of the school. There were so many unnecessary forced emotions, so many social games and strategies, so many complications when things could be so simple. He simply couldn't understand any of it, personally, and would be utterly lost in it if it weren't for his other Hunters- Jace, particularly.

And that, actually, is where all the good of these divisions and social systems lie- the divided clubs and groups, no matter how exclusive they were of others, were family among themselves. The thing about Shadows was that nobody had nobody. You had a place, no matter how annoying you thought you were, despite your insecurities, despite your flaws. When you joined a club, that club became your best friends, your life. When you get into a group, that group would welcome you with open arms and stick through with you in all of your problems. And Alec had never seen that at any other high school before.

Even before fully recognizing the other, the Warlock and Alec's faces formed into faint sneers. Alec caught himself and twisted it back, trying to forget his worries, trying to forget the avalanche of emotion within him, trying to breathe it all out, trying to not give in to the school sport rivalry he complained about so much and did nothing about-

"Sorry," Alec nodded. The Warlock just continued to stare, deciphering Alec, figuring out what to say.

The Warlock, tightly, decided to nod back, and he and his friends shuffled out. Alec was just about to follow before realizing how... Tired he was. He... He didn't have the energy to figure out his emotions. He couldn't. He just needed.... To sit down for a while...

"Are you okay?" A rich, lilting voice came from behind him, and Alec banged his arm on the wall to swerve around towards him.

 


	3. Bane of his Existence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus ! 
> 
> sorry for the slowness this is going to be a gradual development of a relationship I'm predicting around maybe 20-30 chapters?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to post a double today since I didn't post any chapter yesterday but because this is a slightly longer chapter I might hold off on that double update for now. : )

He cursed and stumbled backwards, falling flat. Immediately, light, pressing fingers were on his wrist, steadying him, and Alec had never felt more bewildered or lost.

"The football types are clumsy, I presume?" the voice laughed, softly, and in Alec's vision swam a face of coffee cream skin, eyes... Eyes an outrageous color...

How... Did genetics...?

"Alec?" The voice probed, clearly amused, and Alec recognized the voice, would recognize those eyes anywhere-

"Magnus," Alec placed, drowsily, on his tongue, trying it out. He was uncomfortable, and felt like he should hide somewhere else.

A smile lit Magnus' entire face, brightening the already brightest golden hazel eyes Alec had ever seen. It was distracting, and annoying. Magnus was too... Flamboyant. He threw himself into the center of attention everywhere he went at school... When would he learn how to take a breath and a step back, like Alec always did? And he probably did something to enhance the ridiculous color in his eyes- Alec wouldn't put it past him to do so.

His fingers were cool, calming the heated mess that were Alec's hands. Except, once Alec became aware of their presence, and their chopped black fingernails, his pulse flared up, and he yanked his hand back sharply.

Magnus let his hand fall down to his side, watching Alec fumble up on his own, expression unreadable. Alec couldn't meet those weird, weird, weird, too weird eyes...

"I'm assuming something is bothering you." Magnus always talked like he was too mature, too old for his age. It wasn't just the words he said- it was his voice, his tone, his thoughtful inflection, his expertise at bemusement and placing a careful word at the right spot at the right place at the right time. The first time Alec had met him at one of Magnus' "raving parties" that he'd heard so much about, Magnus’ speech was one of the first things that struck him. Alec had felt like he was incredibly inexperienced, like his words were clunky and not enough, and he blushed too much because of it, quickly excusing himself into the next room. He hated his blushing. He did it too often, and it gave off the wrong impression.

And Magnus... He certainly was the type that would get the wrong impression. Magnus, who'd winked at him jokingly the second Alec walked through his door. Magnus, who'd called after Alec to call him, and Magnus, who'd leaned in close, so close, to Alec's face that Alec froze in shock, too scared to move, and Magnus, who brushed a finger on Alec's cheek and made him nearly frozen stiff for the rest of the night.

Later, he decided, that had been sexual harassment, and he was glad to latch onto that word, onto something that explained his fear. I'm not alone. This was sexual harassment.

"Are you afraid of me?" Magnus, stupid fucking Magnus, who knew everything, picked up on Alec's thoughts like he was some open book, and something inside Alec twisted, a different way, much more different than the way it twisted for Quinn. Perhaps if that was love, before, then this was hate. Magnus continued on, ever so gently, "Is it, perhaps, my sexuality?"

And something inside Alec surged, because, no, he was not homophobic, he refused to be homophobic, it wasn't that, he just had issues with being hit on-

"I will not apologize for who I am, unfortunately, if that's the case. I am sorry of the fact that it does make you uncomfortable, but I am not sorry for you, or for myself."

And then Alec got the feeling that he was in the wrong, that this was his fault, and he wanted to push that away, too, and he couldn't deal with this confrontation right now, he simply couldn't-

He tried to shake his head, tried to speak, managed to fumble with the words, "No, I- not that-"

"Perhaps the teasing was a bit much for you?"

And unwillingly, Alec found himself nodding, a little too harshly, a little too eagerly, to that explanation.

"Then that's all you had to say," Magnus concluded smoothly, and Alec let out a breath, trying to settle his uneasiness. That should've been the conclusion, but it wasn't. Something still wasn't right. And Alec's brain was pounding and hurting from the confusion, from his bump, from his emotions. It was too much. He was going to pass out. It was too much.

"You should go to the nurse. You look... Faint..." Magnus noticed, quietly, and Alec vehemently shook his head.

"It's not... It's..." And Alec didn't think he could say it, but somehow, Magnus seemed to have this effect on him, something that managed to fish the words on Alec’s tongue and draw them out. He couldn't help it. Magnus was good with words. And he was good with conversation.

"It's Quinn," Alec's words were almost all breath, but Magnus nodded, having heard immediately. "I think... I think I'm in..." The word felt so wrong. "Love."

That was clearly not what Magnus was expecting. His eyebrows shot up, just slightly. "Love," he stated, almost as a question, a light inflection. And when Magnus said it, Alec shivered, feeling better with it, feeling - possibly?- more of what the happier, better parts of love are.

"Love," Alec repeatedly, numbly.

"So soon?" Magnus questioned, and Alec startled a bit, unsure of how much Magnus knew of Alec and Quinn's relationship. But before he could think on that, he was already responding.

"That's the problem," Alec began, his words tumbling out in this corner of a sweaty, musty locker room, lowering his voice. "I'm... I'm pretty sure... I think she only likes me because I... Act aloof, I guess? I think. That's what first got her to talk to me. And I... I didn't really think, to be honest, I liked her all that much back, until today, when she kissed me, and I..." Alec, if it was anyone else, would have not been able to go on here, but Magnus was paying attention, curious, gentle, with quiet eyes, and Alec felt his words tumble out. "I couldn't kiss back, because... I haven't... I haven't really kissed anyone, really. Not real kissing, or when it mattered, or- and, I, and, and I froze and didn't know how to respond and I panicked and got so panicked that I had to... I just had to leave right then. And I realized... That I couldn't lose her." That last sentence was almost like a question, and Alec couldn't help but keep some of that uncertainty in his voice. "I was panicking because... I couldn't...? I couldn't bear the thought of us kissing and..." His stomach did a little twist right then. "And she decides I'm not good enough, or... I just... I was so overwhelmingly... Panicked, at that. And I realized how much better she was than me. She's so much... Better, and there are so many ways for her to leave me? I've known we were both good for each other, but the balance is in her favor, I've realized, now, and I.... I can't go back and face that. I'm just... I don't know, I'm also pretty confused and... I'm scared."

And it was at this point that Alec groped for my words, pausing for a moment, and realized he'd said all that was needed to be said. An enormous chunk of weight had dissolved itself bit by bit throughout his speech, and although it was still there, and he still felt sick, he felt... Loads, loads, better.

Magnus gazed at him, a bit wide-eyed, and whistled low. "That... Is quite the dilemma."

"I-" Alec began again, "Don't know how to approach it. And I can't go to Jace because..."

Alec swallowed, his eyes closing, pushing the thought away. "He makes things more complicated."

"And Isabelle... I should probably talk to Isabelle, but she's upset about... Family..."

"I think," Magnus suggested, eyes curious, "Perhaps you should question... If maybe the problem is you don't like Quinn."

"I-" Alec didn't like the idea, and it hit him like a ton of bricks over the head. "But... I... Who wouldn't like Quinn?"

It was the wrong thing to say, in Alec's mind. He sounded so doubtful, so unconvincing, when he was sure that for whatever reason in this moment he should be fairly convincing. For Magnus, he snapped his fingers, smiling, like Alec had said something right. "I don't, for one. She's manipulative. She takes what she wants and plays with people like they're toys. She treats the world like it's a game. And that can be good for only a very certain few people. Those would be ones who can handle her games and play games themselves. It is beautiful, that carefree sort of personality, and it is easy to see her beauty, but the flaws are still there, as they always are with everyone, and, as I said before, only a few people can work with those flaws. She might not be a bad person, true. But she has bad traits, just like we all do. And I don't like them. And you, in my personal opinion, are above them, and better than them."

Alec stared. And he stared. He'd noticed what Magnus had said before, vaguely, in one way or another, but to have it be put so bluntly and clearly and eloquently in a way that made so much sense tipped Alec's understanding of the situation upside down. As well as that compliment, that careless compliment that sliced its way right into Alec's brain. Better than Quinn?

"I knew we were better than each other in different ways," Alec argued back. "I wasn't as sociable, or loved, and she was, but she was crazy where she needed some... Strength, or stillness, I guess. We make sense. But then... I guess it was... It was the kissing thing that tipped the scales..."

"There's no," Magnus sounded a bit frustrated, a bit appalled. "There's no scales. You like a person or you don't. If two people like each other, scales and balance don't matter. To some extent, I suppose, yes, there must be some form of a balance between the two, but there's no... Rating system, there's no too good or too bad in some ways and other ways that make up an overall sum, there's... You don't get a grade on your value, because everyone's value will be different for everyone and... Relationships aren't like that."

He rain his fingers through his chlorine-spiked hair, dried already, which brought his outfit into Alec's notice. He was wearing a rainbow shirt with screaming bedazzles and his pool shorts. Once again, Alec felt a surge in his body, and he related it to annoyance, wondering if he should ask why in hell Magnus wouldn't just tone it down sometimes...

"I'm sorry," was what Alec responded with, instead, to his own and Magnus' surprise. Magnus stopped his movements and looked back with eyes just barely widened. Alec felt significantly small, all of a sudden, knowing that Magnus had forgotten he was there. He felt... Embarrassed. And that godforsaken blush tinged his ears, and he hated himself for it.

"Don't be sorry," Magnus said, in utter determination, flitting his fingers in a dismissive wave. "Never be sorry."

"I'm sorr-?" Alec was just about to say again, and Magnus' face was of utter shock, and it was here that Alec noticed how the shitty locker room light curved over the cheekbones of Magnus' face, highlighting it golden. "Okay."

And Magnus' face slowly morphed into a grin, as though it was liquid reshaping itself, sighing. "Alexander Lightwood. What are... you going to do with yourself?"

Alec felt something twist on the inside, twisting once again in the other direction, away from Quinn's twistings, and wondered again if it was hate. He chose to answer rhe question seriously. "I... Guess I'll have to... Try to play her game. I'll... Well. I'll figure it out. I'll make it up for running away from her. I'll... Need to... Figure out," he decided, sourly, embarrassed, "How to kiss. That would... That would have to be first."

Magnus opened his mouth, and closed it, uncertainty flickering over his features. "How... Are you going to go about that?" He asked, tentatively. "I think... You should just tell Quinn the truth and she'll take you through-"

"This is Quinn we're talking about," Alec said bitterly. "Remember? Playing her games? She likes me aloof. She doesn't like the neediness."

"You'll have to kiss someone else," Magnus said, even more hesitantly than before.

"I-" Alec hadn't thought of that. "I-"

"If you kiss any girls that would be cheating. Your sister is out of the question."

"Um, _yeah_."

"I assumed that would be the reaction. Jace...?"

"No." Alec tightened up. This was the area he wasn't ready to go into.

"Your friends? Any other friends...?"

"No. No, no, I- I can't kiss a - I -"

"A guy?"

"It's... I'm not homophobic, I swear, I just... I'm not..."

"You're not gay?"

"No!"

"Or pansexual, such as myself?"

"I- no! No. I am... Completely straight."

"To most girls, it would still be cheating if you kissed a guy instead of them, but I know of Quinn's mindset, and she would find the situation funny, if she caught you in it, as long as you were completely straight. In fact, I might even suggest that she'd find it hilarious and exciting enough to stay with you a little longer out of interest. Again, in any other situation, I would immediately suggest that you shouldn't do this, but you are in quite the unique scenario. This makes your dilemma easier. A guy would then be the best choice for you to go with. It would be actually quite perfect for your situation, as you would feel no emotions and be practicing sole technique, which is what 'not cheating on Quinn' would perfectly consist of. You'd simply be getting a practice experience, minus emotions, preparation for the real thing. And... If..." Once again, an avalanche of hesitation rested on Magnus' face, and Alec was afraid, so afraid, of what was to come next. And then, his face turning stony and professional, Magnus set his jaw, stating, "I don't mean to make you uncomfortable, but I would be willing to help you out there. I just don't like to see you in so much distress."

And Alec couldn't help but freeze, and unwanted images of Magnus kissing him, of Magnus practicing with him, gentle, guiding him through the motions, flashed, and his insides twisted so much that the entirety of his internal organs felt as though they were in a knot.

This was definitely hate.

"No," Alec mentioned, faintly, and Magnus rushed to say, "It was simply a suggestion. I am fine with you not being okay-" and Alec continued on, "No, no, no. No thank you. Thank you, but... No. Not at all. I won't do that with a guy. I can't do that with a guy. I just can't. I don't swing that way."

Magnus raised his eyebrows, his expression just a fraction colder than it had been before. He mentioned, casually, "If you don't swing that way, then it shouldn't be a problem. But, as I said before, it was just a suggestion. No pressure. It was for your benefit. I didn't mean to alarm you."

Just an edge of bitterness laced the word alarm. Alec blinked, once, something aching inside of him. Before he knew it, he was backing out.

And before even saying goodbye, or a thank you, he had started to run away.


	4. Rehearsal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it's short ! it's not very fluffy or malec-y quite yet.   
> the chapter comes tomorrow isn't terribly fluffy or malec-y, either, but I enjoy it quite a lot : )

He had gone over what he was about to say in his head a million times. It felt wrong, this rehearsing. Almost like what he was saying was fake. But he needed to get his thoughts clear, and he couldn't stumble and say something wrong in front of Quinn, so practice he did, for an hour and a half beforehand. He even wrote down notes on a piece of paper, which he would promptly destroy immediately after hanging up the phone.

He was so nervous. What had Quinn done to him?

She didn't answer the first time he called, and Alec felt a wave of relief, knowing he could procrastinate this talk and put the phone away and close his eyes and pretend he never had to deal with this again. But he sighed, knowing that Quinn had done this to someone once, while they were getting some coffee- she looked at the phone and didn't answer, to test and see the urgency of the call. If they didn't call twice, or text their problem, it could wait.

On the second call, she picked up just as the call was about to hit voicemail. "Alec, dear. How pleasant."

"Quinn. Hi. It's Alec." He winced, reading those words off the messy Sharpie on his napkin, knowing he should have revised that a little. "I just wanted to talk about what happened today and apologize."

"Oh?" Her voice gave nothing away. She was calculating, Alec could tell, keeping her tone light and her thoughts heavy. Alec swallowed and attempted to hide any tone or emotion in his voice as well, knowing he would most likely fail miserably.

"Yeah. I didn't run away from you, or mean to make you feel hurt, or angry. I was just incredibly surprised and needed some time to work out what happened alone. We hadn't even been on a date before, so I hadn't been expecting your... Actions in the hallway."

"It was just a kiss, Alec," Quinn reminded him, voice still sweet and girlish, managing to sound breezy and cold at the same time.

"I just needed to figure out if I wanted this. And I do. I do want this. And I'm sorry if I caused you any grief about it-"

"No grief. I assumed you would have an explanation later." Casual, collected, calm. That was how she was playing it. Alec felt bile rise up in his throat. Maybe Magnus was right, in some aspects- maybe he didn't necessarily like Quinn, but fell in love with her anyways. Maybe that was the cause of the bitter emotions turmoiling inside of him.

"I am glad to clear that up," Alec said, and he knew he was treading the line here, and felt incredibly uncomfortable doing so. It was about balance, despite what Magnus said- the delicate balance between too clingy and too cold. The slightest step towards too clingy will send Quinn running. Too cold will make her angry, vicious, unsatisfied. He hated thinking about this. It made his brain hurt.

"And I'll be glad to see you tomorrow at school," Alec mentioned, ending it as a clear "this conversation is over" response. He went over what he said in his head. Showed enough interest to make clear that he wanted the relationship, but detached enough to not be terribly excited to make a date. Mentioned that he had to think about whether he wanted this or not. Apologize, be sweet, and then cut off the conversation quickly. He hoped he did it correctly. He hoped that his hour and a half planning was not wasted.

He was not disappointed. "Just tomorrow?" Quinn hinted at, an edge to her voice.

"Probably not," Alec responded, after a beat, panicking over the aloofness in his voice. Too cold? Would that turn her vicious?

No. No, it was just right, apparently. "Saturday night. I have practice Friday."

"I'll see you then," Alec put some warmth into his voice, but Quinn had already hung up. The knots in his throat and stomach were still there, and he felt the after-queasiness of the conversation linger.

He began to tear up the napkin, dread pooling at the bottom of his gut. How was this ever going to work? That was a thirty second conversation that he'd planned for an hour. He couldn't do that every single time he talked to Quinn. Magnus wouldn't have this problem. He always manages to say everything perfectly. He would know how to play the game. But he chooses not to.

Alec began to form a realization of how many times Magnus had come into his mind since the talk in the locker room. His body screamed at him, and he tried to shake off any Magnus thoughts, seething. It was so odd, and it scared him. How could Alec hate a human being so much after a couple of conversations? _And it wasn't homophobia_ , he adamantly told himself. It wasn't that. It wasn't because Magnus was gay. There were other gay people at school. Alec was never friends with any of them- none of them were Hunters, at least- but he didn't hate them, at all. No, Magnus' problem was sexual harassment. He needed to learn when to stop teasing. He was gay, or bi, but Alec wasn't, and Magnus needed to get that in his head. And he needed to NOT make things uncomfortable by offering... Kissing... _Practice_ sessions.

 _But if you were completely straight, that wouldn't matter_ , Magnus' words echoed in Alec's brain, and Alec shook his head, hard, determined to get rid of him.

Alec could just avoid him at school, and hopefully Magnus would get the message. Alec didn't like being so... Upfront and harsh like that, but he wasn't really being left with many options. And Magnus was a Warlock, anyways, and Alec was a Hunter- their schedules don't match up. It wouldn't be avoiding, really, not if he doesn't see Magnus in the first place.

Also, Magnus was a senior, and Alec was a junior. They had no classes together, and they were most likely on different sides of the Institute. He'd never run into Magnus before. He had nothing to worry about.

Why was he still thinking about this?

****


	5. Next Few Days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALL CREDITS FOR CHARACTERS GO TO CASSANDRA CLARE 
> 
> This was actually shorter than I thought it was and that makes me sad
> 
> But I like it 
> 
> I'm sorry for the shortness but I hope you enjoy the little montage anyways ! ¿

The next day, he waited for Quinn at her locker, butterflies scratching his chest and throat and the insides of his stomach. When she came up, she smiled her playful, friendly smile, as though nothing had ever happened, and a surge of relief flooded through Alec, and she began talking as usual in her fleeting, light, lilting voice about her day and its miseries and Alec fell back into the comfortable silence of listening and making a small comment here and there.

He was almost starting to feel relieved when she suddenly took his hand.

He forced himself not to tense up, but suddenly he was glad he wasn't the talking one in this relationship. For some reason his throat decided to get a thousand invisible knotted marbles lodged into it at that moment.

********

On Tuesday, at the end of the day, she kissed him a quick, fleeting kiss, and bounded off before he could say a word.

He'd stayed like that, frozen, unable to move for another two minutes, feeling a clenching within himself and wondering what was wrong with his body.

He hadn't seen Magnus that day.

*******

On Wednesday, Quinn had taken two big strides and met Alec with a kiss. It was all a blur, after that, and Alec simply went numb and let Quinn do all the work. He tentatively leaned in, panicking, and this was the moment that Quinn pulled away, amused, and Alec let his expression linger on confusion, knowing it was the best emotion out of the ones he had in store to show.

He took her hand, trying to move on before Quinn could analyze him even further, forcing himself to breathe. He smiled, despite himself, at the ridiculousness of this situation, the ridiculousness of him, just how ridiculous it all was, in general-

That smile must have come off as shy, or bashful, as Quinn immediately began yanking him down the hall, face taking on an amused look. It was a minute before Alec realized that Quinn wasn't talking and tentatively asked a lame question about Faerie practice, setting forth one of her familiar (although for some reason, she sounded more faraway than normal?)  long-winded rants.

*******

Another kiss came on Wednesday, at the end of school, one that Alec couldn't hide his feelings from. He broke it off quickly, not being quite able to move his tongue along with hers, planting a weak, rapid kiss on her cheek instead, and in her hair. He avoided her gaze and whispered, "See you tomorrow", rushing off to practice. She tried to fumble, keep him latched back, tried to slow down the moment to calculate it through, but he had already jogged away, eyes glazing, bitterness on his tongue.

What were the feelings he had for Quinn?

Because they were starting to become a problem.

********

On Thursday, he did see Magnus, fleetingly, once, and it shocked him, and he stopped dead.

Outside the principal's office, Magnus was laughing with one of the fellow swimmers on the team, the girl with the hair dyed blue, and his own hair was absolutely outrageous, swirling and spiking artfully on top of his head. Who even knows how to do that?

And before Alec could even process what he was doing, something about Magnus made him smile, and he couldn't quite remember what it was. Alec wasn't a bad person, and despite his apparent hatred for Magnus and his sexual habits, he still found that his happiness made him... Happy. Which was odd. Alec didn't remember himself to be this altruistic.

And that split second that he was looking at Magnus, smiling, the High Warlock himself looked up and locked eyes.

Alec felt his smile fade just slightly as he stumbled a bit, realizing that Magnus probably got the wrong idea, Magnus was probably going to wink at him, Magnus was probably going to take that smile as a way to flirt and get into Alec's pants-

And Magnus smiled gently back, a soft smile of surprise, and turned around to the blue-haired girl. And Alec was so shocked he hadn't realized he had passed the Hunters meeting spot until it was well behind him, and he had to turn back to go against the crowd to reach it.

Well, good, Alec managed to think. He got the message. Or he moved on. Maybe he's... Not such a bad guy.

Magnus didn't appear again to Alec that day. Not that Alec was looking, really.

But Quinn did kiss him angrily at the end of the school day, and stormed off in a silent, quiet, cold fury after Alec didn’t respond to her movement the way she wanted to, giving him only a single word of farewell.

And Alec…  he racked his brains throughout the rest of the day, slamming his head into the wall, groaning, chest pressing in tight and head molding from pain.

And he let his eyes close, a panic rising within his ribcage, and shakily went over his thoughts one more time.

He would continue to debate his options, one after the other, circling, cycling, until some dark ungodly hour.

He’d never felt more lost in the shadows.


	6. Sorry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> time to beg for forgiveness and leap into possibility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the painful slowness again !!! love to you all hope you had a good day RIGHTS TO CASSANDRA CLARE
> 
>  
> 
> I'm sad because I'm actually behind on this work and I don't want to be in the slightest : (

FRIDAY

He’d driven to Quinn’s house and realized she’d already went on to school on her own, which had officially settled his mind. He remembered Quinn’s face, and took a shaky breath, suddenly felt his feelings heighten a little.

He was going to fix this problem.

He was going to see Magnus.

**********

With a mixture of dread, guilt, and relief, Alec didn't see Quinn all day. Granted, this was most likely due to his adventuring all over Institute 5 to search for Magnus, circling all the places he wouldn't circle, tracing paths down hallways he'd only barely used before. Nobody rainbow glittery or outrageously flamboyant managed to catch his eye, except for a couple of girls who sported light up tutus for some godforsaken reason, and so he switched his direction to targeting Warlocks in general. It wasn't a game day, so none of the Warlocks were wearing jerseys, which made his task infinitely harder, but Alec finally managed to recognize- out of pure chance- that blonde he'd run into just days earlier- the one he'd confused for Jace. And by following this blonde for a while, skipping a class to intrude on the seniors’ lunch period, Alec was eventually led to Magnus.

He sat in the table completely opposite to the table Alec sat at during his junior lunch, and a random, unnecessary thought passed through Alec's mind where he realized that if they were in the same grade, he'd have the pleasure of looking at him across the room every single day. Of course, this was thought sarcastically. Of course.

Once he was faced with the prospect of walking up to a vast group of older Warlocks, Alec felt like turning around and walking right back from where he came from. But...

But no. Alec never did those sort of things. He always followed through with a task once he decided on it. It was a trait that had gotten him into millions of terrible situations, and thousands of miraculously good ones. He wasn’t one to bow down to emotions changing his mind- he found that on numerous occasions, his body would simply numbly walk through his ocean of feelings anyways without his realizing and carry out his doings for him.

It was both a blessing and a curse.

He was approaching the table, his body staying true to its autopilot habits. HIs mind sluggishly started up again, jolting back from his thoughts, and for one impossible scary moment he couldn’t find Magnus in the cluster of people and panicked, thinking he had left. And then his eyes met those strange strange strange hazel amber ones and he numbly kept the eye contact until he reached the table.

Magnus’ eyes, as Alec refocused on them again, feeling heat splash pink splotches onto his face, were wary. A bit surprised, too. But watching. Studious. Almost… Calculating. It reminded Alec a little of Quinn, and he suddenly had to fight back a wave of discomfort, finding that idea to be terrible, for whatever reason he couldn’t explain.

A snappy, harsh sound rang through his ears, bringing him with a jerk to the attention of the other witnesses there-

“See someone you like?” someone- a scrawny, lanky, lean Filipino boy called out, a fierce seriousness on his face that screamed business. Somehow he managed to make his features intimidating without having an intimidating body, and Alec quietly admired him for that, fighting back thoughts that boasted how he could take this kid in a single blow. The Warlocks laughed around them quietly.

Alec began to open his mouth, brain somewhat fizzling out, sure at least some thought would come to mind, when another girl chimed in, “Hate to say it, but you’re not really Magnus’ type.” If only she knew. “Surprisingly, rich legacy assholes don’t really make the top of his list.”

“Marvera,” the girl next to her chastised quietly, but a good chunk of the others at the table ate it up, chuckling and ooohing, and “Marvera” let loose a guiltily pleased smile.  

Alec had to stop himself to inhale and exhale, the tone in his breathing sounding dangerously unstable. His jaw tightened and clenched. Magnus, for his part, continued to watch, a blankness falling over his eyes and features, waiting. Alec felt another strong urge to turn around and walk away, to force Magnus to follow, to leave the seniors in wonder, to leave the possibilities angrily behind them and give the destructive blame to the Warlocks. But, once again, he was and would most likely never be that kind of person. His body- almost like it was blocking out the facts that Magnus wasn’t sticking up for him, that these people were idiots and jerks, that he was missing a math review class for this, and that he didn’t need to deal with this bull anyways- went on to asking Magnus, almost calmly, his jawline set, only managing to stammer once, “C-Can we speak alone?”

Ooohs and Ahhhs went up from just about everyone in the group, with soft smiles as well as sharp, judgmental smiles, and Alec’s could feel his face shrink into itself like he’d just tasted a bad lemon and somehow it was affecting his entire expression. But he kept his ground, and he tried to swallow out the knots in his throat while he continued to stare at Magnus.

“Mags, the little boy asked you a-”

“Shut up,” Magnus finally said, turning to his group, frowning and lazily waving a hand at them. His eyes met Alec’s as he stood up. “Let’s go.”

They shuffled out of the whispers and laughs of the group. Or, rather, Alec shuffled. Magnus took in his walks in long, graceful strides, and Alec hated feeling so clumsy and bumbling alongside of him. He wondered if this was just a week of bad mistakes.

Magnus suddenly stopped and whipped around, and Alec stumbled to keep from falling into him. Which he did a little bit, anyways, but managed to catch himself so the majority of his weight wouldn’t send both of them crashing into the floor.

Magnus then, who’d been fairly serious and intense before, giving Alec a feeling of terrible, terrible discomforting insecurity, let out a short and brilliant laugh that shocked Alec so much it nearly took his breath away. From the shock. Because he was surprised.

“How does anyone trust you to move around on your own?” Magnus grinned, eyes sparkling for just a single moment, and then the moment was gone, and his expression had fallen back down to blank and questioning.

Honestly, for whatever reason, this day was an outfit Alec was not comfortable in. He simply could not function. Magnus was right- if he acted like this every day, how did anyone trust him to move and walk and even play a sport on his own?

He couldn’t talk. Everything had suddenly overtaken him, and his mouth drooped a bit, hanging just the slightest bit open, while his brain took in everything in his surroundings at once and simply couldn’t process it all. Who was he? What was his name? Who was this person in front of him?

“Alec,” Magnus’ voice brought him crashing back down, and Alec snapped into realization, his tongue beginning to run a trail of fire.

“Quinn is mad at me. It happened yesterday. I didn’t have your number. And I’m pretty sure you don’t have mine- it’s um, 377-555-0268, if you, like want it, I- anyways, but if you did, anyways, you wouldn’t know I wanted to talk… Nevermind. I just had to talk to you today, then, I decided, because I don’t have your number. This angry stuff happened because Quinn and I kissed, or something, I’m not sure- I was hoping you could help me figure it out? And because you said something last week in the locker hall- by the way, I’m… I… Hold on, I just need to gather- I’m sorry for blowing you off, or running out of there, the last week. That was… I didn’t need to do that. And I’m…” these next few words tasted bitter in his throat, and he felt the most uncomfortable feeling of guilt wash over him, “I’m sorry if I was offensive or… Or, Angel, if I seemed homophobic, because, because, I didn’t mean to, I just didn’t- I was ignorant, and I thought about it and realized I could have sent an impression that seemed…? Because you seemed kind of annoyed and disappointed with me, and I’m sorry, I didn’t mean… I’m not homophobic, I swear, I support your h- sexuality and everything, I didn’t -”

“It’s fine,” Magnus let his words float into the air, as though they were careless, simple balloons of the tongue flying off, but they sounded clipped, like the ending syllables had somehow popped once they were a couple inches out of Magnus’ mouth.

There was a beat of silence while Alec processed this, realizing that Magnus was still fairly annoyed, possibly, and he continued on, “ I’m really sorry, I hadn’t known, I’ll try to make it up, I know it’s not fine, I should know…? I was just scared, I guess, because I didn’t want… you to get the wrong idea because you’ve, you know, flirted with me before, and I don’t like unwanted attention, and I’m not really good at that, and I’m not gay, and I’m sorry, but I know that you’re not a bad guy, because I just get that good person vibe from you, and I don’t like being mean and didn’t want to offend you and I never want to be homophobic or anything and I just would like-”

Magnus bit off his words again, raising his eyebrows. “Alec, I’m aware you’re sorry. It’s fine. Or, at least, I’ll be fine, even if I am a bit… aggravated. But even if I am a bit aggravated, this babbling on is more likely to rub salt in the wound rather than help. I’d much rather, if you don’t mind, move onto your point. Lunch is over in ten minutes. Or, for you, I suppose, fifth period is over in ten minutes. Love the effort and sacrifice of coming to talk to me, by the way. I’m very touched.”

Alec swallowed back his confusion, slight hurt, and guilt within. “I- all right. And- you’re welcome. I- Okay. Okay. Quinn. She’s mad. I… I’m so sorry, again-”

“Alec.”

“I just… I would like to take up your offer on help. Just for-” Too late, Magnus’ eyebrows had already raised even higher than he normally raised them. “Not… exactly… what you think. No… nokissing. I’m sorry if… Sorry. Anyways, I just… I would like some advice, though, and some help through this, and you’re just a… really good people person. Like you understand people. And you seem to do it naturally, and know what to say, and what to do, and how to dress, and just, like, you seem to know everything…” Alec didn’t know where that last part came from, and it was almost too much to keep his face from exploding from blush heat, hating himself and his stupid mouth more than ever, knowing he was saying too much. “And swimming,” he added quickly, lamely, to the end, trying to draw attention away from his possibly overdone compliment. Magnus looked almost as bewildered as Alec felt. Almost.

“Basically,” Alec blurted out, nearly desperate by this point. “I want lessons in dating. Verbal lessons. No physical… No simulations, or anything. Just advice.” The slight bafflement of Magnus hit Alec like a ton of bricks- he just realized now what a generous offer Magnus had been giving him last week, and how kind it was to give someone spare time. It suddenly become clear to him that Magnus had things to do, places to be, Warlocks to work with, and Alec was… waltzing in and expecting all of this to be handed to him? Another flush of guilt wracked Alec’s entire body, and he felt so incredibly foolish and stupid and ignorant, and he rushed to add, “And I hope you can forgive me for the last few days to give me some help again. I know it’s a lot to ask, and… I’m sorry.”

“Please,” Magnus’ eyes flared, and Alec shrunk back, ready to bolt, ready to say, “Okay, thanks anyways!” in the fastest voice possible, ready to get the rejection over with and leave it behind as quickly as he could. He had just opened his mouth to say some variation of another “I won’t bother you I’ll just leave you now stupid idea thanks anyways bye have a good day !” when Magnus continued with, “Please, for the love of Satan, stop saying you’re sorry. Stop being so sorry. I will do this for you if you never say those words ever again.”

“You-” the words died in Alec’s throat, and he couldn’t stop staring at the oddity that was Magnus Bane, in his usual getup, in his usual elaborate eyeliner, in some bedazzled jewels that lined the jaw of his face, in gelled and spiked sparkling raven blue hair. “Just like that?”

Magnus gave a small, slow, tired smile, and Alec found he had to look away, suddenly uncomfortable. “Just like that. When would you-”

“Tonight?” Alec blurted, before realizing he should have probably maybe acted aloof, dabbled in different day possibilities, tried to not sound too desperate?

But since when did he care about sounding desperate in front of Magnus Bane?

When did he start caring about sounding desperate at all?

What would he be desperate for, anyways? What would be embarrassing about that desperation?

Magnus’ eyes had widened, and Alec began to rush to assure that if Magnus wasn’t free tonight of course he’d come over another time that was a stupid idea to say they were only talking about this for the past few minutes anyways of course Magnus wouldn’t have time in his schedule, and Magnus went, “Tonight is actually fine, surprisingly. I just have practice. Which I’m assuming you do, as well. I’ll go home and text you when you can come over. Okay?”

Magnus waited quietly for the response, still a little distant, still a little solemn, but softer, now, much softer. Not as cold as he was just a few minutes before. Alec felt as though the extra warmth Magnus was giving him was soaking into his body, just in his insides, relieving all the tense stress and knots that had frozen up at the beginning of this conversation.

“Yes!” Alec whispered, in a daze. Magnus had given him a quick grin before heading back down the hallway, backwards. “I’ll see you then.”

It took Alec a beat, but as Magnus turned around, Alec had realized and flown at Magnus, reaching a hand for his shoulder.

“Wait!” Alec had yelled, and Magnus jumped, and Alec lowered his voice. “Wait,” he said a bit more like a normal human being, another wave of tomato face slamming into him. “My… Number, I should give it-”

“ 377-555-0268,” Magnus rattled off, raising an eyebrow. “Unless you gave me the wrong number earlier in this little talk. Is that right?”

Alec stared. And stared. And stared. For what was- what- the fiftieth time that day? How could this person be in existence? “How… How did you do that?”

Magnus grinned widely, spreading his fingers apart, giving Alec a little flash of the regular flamboyance and spectacularity that was Magnus Bane. His answer shouldn’t have been a surprise at all.

“Magic.”


	7. Doubts and Reassurances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUDES YOU GUYS I'M SO SORRY (IF ANYONE'S KEEPING UP WITH THIS STORY) THAT I HAVEN'T POSTED IN THE LAST THREE DAYS I WILL POST A TRIPLE UPDATE TOMORROW (HOPEFULLY) AND AN UPDATE TONIGHT I'VE JUST BEEN SO FREAKNIG BUSY WITH SCHOOL WORK AND HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO EDIT ANY CHAPTERS SO I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE ALL SHITTY BUT MOREW ILL COME I PROMISE

It was only now, standing in front of Magnus’ apartment, hand trembling at his side, did Alec really start to feel doubt and the implications of what he was doing.

Everything before had felt so abnormal that it was normal. Surprise and feelings were brushed aside to embrace this new development: he was going to Magnus’. On his own terms. Not just to walk his sister to a party.

It was fine, numbingly fine, until now.

It was starting to get a little crisper in the air, definitely. He had to bring a coat. Autumn red crackled underneath his feet instead of hanging limply on the trees. But he had a feeling his shaking wasn’t due to lowering temperatures.

What was he even doing here?

How did he possibly think that this could be normal?

And, to his horror and to answer his question, he’d realized his hand had just knocked on the door.

He had half a mind to run down the steps. But, once again, his body stayed still, rigid, seeing this through.

Calm down. Breathe.

When Magnus opened the door, all hope of respiratory control was gone.

“Alec.” He sounded surprised. Why did he sound surprised? They’d just texted thirty minutes earlier. Was this stupid? Was Magnus just realizing how stupid this was, too? Should Alec run now? _And why the hell was Magnus-_

“I-” Alec tried, but found his voice was dying in his throat. _Why was… Why would Magnus…? Is he doing this on purpose, or… ? Should I panic??_

Magnus seemed to realize his attire. Or lack of attire, really, since all he wore was a loose towel around his waist. Alec could see the slightest flutter of a grin brush Magnus’ expression before controlling his features. Was that out of politeness? Was he trying to be polite? Alec had rarely felt so out of place-

“I wasn’t expecting you,” Magnus mentioned, observing Alec mildly, casually, and something in Alec’s stomach spiked and fell all at once. How, though? How did Alec manage to think this was okay when it was all wrong? He thought he texted Magnus earlier? Does Magnus not want him here? Well, obviously not. _He hadn’t even thought you were coming._

He must’ve been delusional, that conversation that he had with Magnus must’ve been a dream, those texts a dream, and it makes sense, too, because how could anything that crazy ever happen in real life-? This was definitely unreal, he was definitely asleep, he’d wake up any second-

Alec opened his mouth, not thinking, waiting in apprehension at the words he was about to fling into existence, unsure of what he was going to do next, when Magnus said, apparently taking the pretty obvious panic filling Alec’s features, “At this second, I mean. I told you to come at… 7:00?”

Alec flung a glance at his phone. 6:30. With a text from Magnus. Unread.

Morbid humiliation was replaced by softer embarrassment, and Alec’s complete panic subsided into relief. “Oh. Oh, Angel, I’m sorry, I could… come back? In thirt-”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Magnus rolled his eyes, and Alec’s panic started to come back as he realized, for about the fourth time that minute, that Magnus was very much shirtless. And that the ridiculous title of High Warlock- or, as normal, sane high schools would call it, “swim captain”- was very much deserved. _How was he that tan?_

Magnus had said something, and a little bit of that morbid humiliation he’d felt earlier burned back in Alec’s cheeks. Magnus, mercifully, thankfully, wonderfully, didn’t react, although he most definitely had noticed, and Alec shook his head and tried to collect what Magnus had said. Something about… Coming in? And something about…

“Watching Mad Men with me,” Magnus stated, again. “Since I’ve been waiting to see this episode for an entire three weeks.”

Alec blinked. Once. Twice. And then, slowly, “You postponed our meeting by thirty minutes so you could watch your TV show?”

Magnus opened his mouth to say something clever, something in his eyes sparking and going off, but he closed it quickly, settling for a blunt, “Yes.”

Alec continued to stare as the Warlock disappeared down the short hall stretching from his wide living room, and then stood uncomfortably, frozen, for another thirty seconds, letting some slow breaths cycle through his body. He wondered if he had just been dismissed to leave.

He was just about to weakly call into the apartment, or rush back down the stairs and get some coffee or something for thirty minutes, when Magnus appeared like he’d pulled himself out of thin air, in a black shirt with rainbow trim and tight, tight, tight pleather jeans, settling himself down somewhat stiffly on the couch and swiftly pressing play. Blaring song and flashing red tv lights commenced, and Magnus looked back lazily at the door, where Alec still stood, stupidly, awkwardly gaping.

“Are you still admiring?” Magnus apparently couldn’t help but tease, just this once. “Or do you want to maybe come in?”

Alec, relaxed a little bit, feeling a small surge of annoyance and riding that wave as much as he possibly could. _Yes_ , he thought, vaguely relieved, sitting somewhat clumsily on the end of the couch, still managing to feel the radiating heat from Magnus’ grin. A _nnoyed. An emotion he could understand._

 _Finally_.


	8. They Must Be Mad Men

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> : ) )) ) ) ) ) sorr y for my inconsistency gotta love my absolutely inability to self-control : ) )) ) ))) ) ) )) ) )

He hadn’t understood the entire show, really, which appalled Magnus to no end. “It’s disgusting,” is what he kept on saying. “Disgustingly realistic. Total politics. You don’t want to watch every second of it?”

“Not particularly,” Alec said without thinking, and then winced, avoiding Magnus’ incredulous gaze. This guy was doing Alec a favor, after all. Would it kill him to say something nice about that advertising show?

“I mean, I’m sure it’s great,” Alec fumbled with painful awkwardness, and Magnus laughed a bright laugh, and Alec couldn’t help but smile at that.

“It’s just nice to look at, I suppose.” Magnus pondered out loud. “Not so much to think about. I don’t really…”

He trailed off, and Alec’s entire body was almost yanked forward into asking, “Really what?” curiously.

Magnus looked at Alec in surprise, like he’d forgotten he was there, and Alec’s heart took a hit. He analyzed the feeling, supposing he was reacting to just being forgotten. Somehow, he found himself in the forgotten stage a lot. Alec secretly liked the small bits of attention he could get, craved the one time a month he made people laugh, replaying the scene over and over afterwards. Maybe that’s why-

“You don’t want to hear about it,” Magnus dismissed with a wave of his hand, wandering to the kitchen and coming back with a couple of waters. Alec, suddenly remembering where he was, straightened up from his lounging position on the couch. He was a guest. He wanted to insist on hearing Magnus’ story, insist that yes, he did want to hear what he thought, but he remembered his place. Not only would that be rude, as an intruder in another person’s home, but they weren’t friends. This was… a business transaction. A charity case, more like. Magnus was helping out someone pitiful and in need out of… out of the kindness of his heart, apparently. Alec was not here to give Magnus’ pants any ideas.

“Let’s get started,” Magnus stated, and Alec’s heartbeat quickened immediately. He labelled it as anticipation.

“Okay,” Alec bit his lip, nervously, and then forced himself to stop, face twitching.

“Quinn,” Magnus drawled, rolling the name around on his tongue, like he was savoring something sour. “Quinn.”

“Quinn,” Alec repeated.

“All right, let’s start this way- encounters with Quinn. Tell me the important ones. Go.”

So Alec wandered and stumbled around the beginning of their meetings, and took such a long time with detail that Magnus eventually waved his hand if it wasn’t important and stopped him with a question if it was. Magnus’ eyes closed at one point, and he leaned back, his face marked with a couple of interesting scars, some of them pimple marks, some of them most definitely not. Other than that, though, his cheeks were smooth, clear, and highlighted a warm coffee gleam. His chest rose up and down gently and casually, and his hair was a little bit more modest tonight- raven black and gelled only slightly to the side. Even in his black shirt, the interesting rainbow blend on the sleeves and bottom of his shirt twinkled, and the pleather in his jeans was slick and polished, and he just looked so confident without even really trying that Alec felt a stab in his chest somewhere. He longed… He longed for something, in there. The confidence. The twinkle. The comfort. He longed for… something, in Magnus.

Magnus opened his eyes and looked at Alec pointedly, waving his hand, and Alec hastily rushed to continue his story, and Magnus’ eyes drooped back to its position. So he wasn’t closing his eyes because he was bored. Just resting. Alec accidentally let his relief leak through his voice.

He recounted the kisses this week as quickly and with as little detail as possible, throat constricting as he thought about it. His mind wandered back to Magnus’ original offer, and his throat seized up completely for a couple of seconds before Alec bravely choked on, returning fairly to normal by the end of his story. Magnus opened his eyes for a while, staring up at the ceiling, and Alec gratefully stole those moments to collect himself.

“I think,” Magnus thought out, slowly. “I think…”

He trailed off again, and Alec waited, patiently. Patience was something Alec could handle. The only problem that happened was when his doubts and thoughts got in the way, letting him wait patiently in panic instead of peace.

“I think,” Magnus continued, “You need to put less pressure on yourself. Play with it. Act like it’s an experience. Act, perhaps, in general- an acting exercise, to put on different faces and see which one Quinn likes best. Let go of that idea of _love_. Even when it’s blatantly obvious that it’s there, try to ignore it. Any inch of that leaking through, and she’ll find out, preserve it, use it to her advantage.”

Alec leaned forward, wide-eyed, nodding slightly. Magnus didn’t make eye contact, which Alec wondered about for a second, before realizing it was better this way.

“Just simply take a different mindset. A fun mindset. One that makes this fun for you. Emphasis on fun.”

“Fun,” Alec repeated, stupidly, and Magnus grinned, turning a fraction of a centimeter towards Alec’s direction.

“Don’t try too hard. Don’t make jokes. Just because you’re having fun doesn’t mean you need to be funny. I have a feeling funny may not be the… quality that you tend to focus on.”

The words were somewhat kind, but Alec still felt a slight pang. Jace had always been the funny one. “No.”

“Treat her like she’s a friend, like someone you’re comfortable with, and think of all the extra stuff as… fluff. A game. She’s treating it the same way, but more like… More like Mad Men games. Politics. Strategies. You’ll be treating it…”

“Like I’m looking at it,” Alec repeated Magnus’ previous words. “Not thinking about it.”

Magnus jolted sharply and fully looked at Alec before grinning, and Alec couldn’t help but grin back, shyly. “Exactly.”

The air felt tangible and weighted with possibility, and then Magnus cut through it all with a, “So, when’s your next… When do you see her next?”

“Saturday.”

“All right. You can come by tomorrow, and I’ll help you with outfits. You need it, unfortunately. Shame on you. Your current plan of action is to text her something. A one word something. A picture. Something that relates the two of you.”

Alec got up as Magnus did, feeling a small ache in his chest as he did so. The cold air was cold. The warm couch was warm. He wasn’t looking forward to walking back.

“And let the games begin.”


	9. Of Fashion and Men

SATURDAY

He woke up that day with everything looking a little brighter. Magnus was a lifesaver, honestly. Alec already felt like a thousand bricks had been lifted off his back, and something tickled the inside of his chest. The sky was an absurdly pretty cerulean despite the crisp freeze of the air. The sunshine was peeking out, making a strip on his cheek. He sighed, contentedly.

He and Quinn’d texted the night before, for an hour. Light and airy texts. Not-too-obsessed-over texts. Not-planned-out-for-one-hour texts. And it’d gone great. Friends. He could handle friends. It was all about the mindset, apparently. How was Magnus such a genius?

Something like doubt also settled in the tiny curve at the back of his head, but one blink, and it was forgotten.

Thank God.

Thank Magnus.

******

“You and your stupid sweaters,” Magnus muttered, voice hitting the back of Alec’s neck, and Alec inhaled. “No. To all of them.”

“This,” Alec decided, glancing down, already waving at Magnus to stop buttoning up the complicated gizmos on the back of this… whatever this was. “Is a no.”

Alec could feel Magnus’ scowl from behind him, and Alec smiled, happy to do it, happy to not have it come tentatively, happy to allow himself to feel happy, happy to not tiptoe around Magnus Bane anymore. “You mock my advice?”

A pang of guilt did shake him, then, as his fears he had from an hour before came into play. Alec had, awkward and overwhelmed, sat uncomfortably in the tight suit Magnus had given him, wanting to die, knowing how wrong it felt on him, until Magnus gently said, “You are allowed to hate it,” and Alec released, admitting bashfully that he did. And then another was tried on, and another, and another, and Alec slowly got into the habit of rejecting and not feeling bad about it, and Magnus slowly began to joke and tease until conversation was normal.

The air wasn’t thick anymore, and Alec was immensely grateful.

As if Magnus had picked up on Alec’s guilt, he sighed. “Joking. Kind of. You should know that I am always right when it comes to these things. It’s just you that’s being difficult.”

“I am content with wearing a sweater.”

“You,” Magnus raged, and Alec laughed. “And your stupid _sweaters_.”

“Take it off, please,” Alec requested shyly, knowing how it sounded just as it came out of his mouth. Surprisingly, Magnus didn’t tease, didn’t joke… But Alec knew that even if words hadn’t been said, thoughts were most definitely being thought, and he could almost hear Magnus smirk behind him as his fingers lightly raced up Alec’s back. Alec shrugged off the royal purple jacket contraption and prepared for another one, his dingy white undershirt getting slightly sweaty from the intensity of this assignment.

“This might be,” Alec joked, a little quietly, a bit embarrassed by the stupidity of his humor, remembering Magnus’ words- _I have a feeling funny may not be the… quality that you tend to focus on._ “A bigger workout than Hunters practice.”

Magnus didn’t miss a beat, bright grin coming into view. “How do you think I got these?” and knocked on his stomach, and Alec felt a wonderful feeling bubble up into a laugh. It felt…

Golden.

“Shit.” Magnus noticed. “When did you say your date-”

Something floated back down in Alec’s brain, focusing on his phone that he’d whipped out. “7:00. And it’s… six thirty. Shit. Shit, shit.” There was a pause in Alec’s chest, and then a reluctant “I think I need to-”

Magnus threw something over to him. A button down shirt. Light blue, bordering on white. With small somethings all over them that Alec couldn’t quite make out at the moment... “Keep the jeans. They’re dreadfully boring, but if you try too hard, she’ll notice. This’ll probably bring out your eyes. You’re welcome, and get out of my house.”

Alec opened his mouth, and closed, searching for Magnus’ face, which was smiling a quiet, muted smile, apparently amused, leaning against the wall of his room. “ _Go_.”

And so Alec changed as he walked out, feeling a burst of confidence, feeling like doing something stupid, and for now, changing his shirt in public as he walked down Magnus’ apartment steps would have to do, although nobody was watching him.

Fearless was the word that raced through his mind.

 


	10. Fun, Fun, Fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yayyy I'm slightly caught up now writing this thing yayyyy

He’d already managed to mess up the second he walked through the door. A kiss. That’s all she wanted. And he avoided it.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and something like _have fun, have fun, have fun_ , flashes in front of him. It’s a little harder said than done when green eyes burn a hole into his, like they were burning away his brain and all the thoughts in it, trying to extract the ones needed and collect them as information. It’s hard to treat people as things to play with. It’s hard to think of this… as an _acting exercise_.

_Loosen up. Do everything you can to loosen up._

And he was trying. He was really, really, trying. But being loose was hard. Being happy was hard, when someone wasn’t happy in front of you.

He was focusing down on his shirt, ready to give up, ready to eschew Magnus’ advice, ready to just call off the entire night, when he suddenly noticed the tiny little pin pricks on his borrowed blue shirt. And just exactly what they patterned out to be.

_No. Way._

_No way in hell._

_Did Magnus give him a shirt… with delicately patterned_ dicks _on it?_

And suddenly, it was easy. Everything Magnus had told him became easy. He brightened. He nearly laughed, which would’ve been inappropriate, since he was supposed to be apologizing, but… Good God. Magnus. Just… hell. Alec wasn’t sure if he’d picked out this shirt as a joke, on purpose, on accident- but it worked. Alec could now see the laughter in the situation. He could see the possibilities in front of him. He could see the fun he could have with this. He was now loosened up.

And thinking about Magnus, then, and how he’d react when Alec went home to call him (should he call him? was he allowed to call him?) and when Alec’d go back to return his shirt and when (maybe) Magnus’d tease and laugh like he did earlier today, made him loosen even more. This is a story. This is a collection of experiences. And if it all falls through, he’ll have a funny tale at the end of the day, to make someone laugh. Magnus laughed like it was light and bubbling and sometimes a surprise to even himself. Alec could already hear it now.

“I am sorry,” Alec repeated, a thousand loads lighter. He looked Quinn straight in the eye. “I know I’ve been pretty shitty recently with couple things.”

Quinn continued watching, eyes dark.

Those eyes. They glittered with something analytical, some cold fire Alec didn’t want to mess with. With a chill, Alec tried to remember see Quinn a different way- the careless young girl who spun her way into Alec’s life. Not… this. Not like she could lay out a million webs of plans and destroy her enemies. Not like she could ascend a throne with grace and look down upon her subjects with cold justice. He was looking for the girl, not the women. The friend, not the queen.

“I’m not good with words,” Alec admitted, biting the inside of his cheek, sneaking a glance at Quinn. The cold fire was gone. Or maybe it was still there, but now hidden. “But…. I think we’re looking for the same thing, right? I think we’re both… trying to have some fun.”

The hint was clearly there- _let’s stop being so serious_. Long dragging seconds slugged by. Quinn regarded the situation thoughtfully, Alec waited, and he thought of the stories he would tell later-

And she smiled. “Yes,” her voice had a singing quality to it, and something ghosting along the edge of playful broke out against her freckles. “Fun. I agree. Let’s have some of that, as well as some of the camembert from the menu, yes?”

And surprisingly, the rest of the night was just that. Fun. Quinn was beautiful, and she flirted with the waiter, and Alec protested gently, and she lit up the night with her stories. Success.

**He couldn’t wait to tell Magnus.**


	11. Rain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> super fast upload before going to school since I forgot yesterday I'll fix little things later

“It worked,” Alec recounted, nearly breathless, wondering at tonight. “It worked. A lot. Thank you.”

Magnus’ laugh sounded a bit muffled, short. It made Alec wonder if he was doing something wrong, if Magnus was in the middle of something…

He’d said it was okay to call when they were texting an hour before…

“Are you okay?”

There was a short pause before an insistent, “Very. Now tell me all about it.”

And so Alec did.

*****

Monday came around, with Sunday being an incredibly average day of no Jace, no Magnus, and no Quinn. Only Isabelle briefly interacted with him, lounging grumpily around the house while Alec did his homework. And Monday came with rain in the morning and predictions of cold wind and math studying for the rest of the day, so Alec tucked his math notebook under his ridiculously shabby gray coat and drove over to Quinn’s.

“It’s raining,” he commented as she slid in.

“Really, darling?” she hummed, kissing him on the cheek, a move that jolted Alec only for a moment before he collected his brain. She left her teasing at that, though, choosing instead to roll down the window a bit to stick her arm out.

“The rain is getting in,” Alec commented after some minutes of comfortable silence. Alec was driving, Quinn was admiring the crystal spheres sliding down the window, and the gray of the city surrounded them in a drowsy hum.

“Really, darling?” she dismissed without looking at him, as though he’d said something cute. Alec sighed without being too bothered and continued on along the outskirts of the city. At some stoplight, he looked in wonder at Quinn’s wonder, and at one point she said, a bit bitterly, “The rain is the only thing real about this gray place.”

Alec waited for a while, the spray of water gently misting his right side, the sounds of raindrop splatters filling the air. Finally, he prompted, “Hm?”

“The city is superficial. We created it as though it was this little playground. As though we have organized little boxes for our own personal benefits. It is not real. It is a plastic dreamland for a controlled, perfect little human world. The rain is the only thing we can not control, and it’s more beautiful than all the man-made beauty of New York combined.”

He’d heard something like this before, something where she mentioned trees, and how she would like to live in one, instead of the “box” she resided in downtown. She hadn’t elaborated. Alec hadn’t asked her to.

Alec rested a hand tentatively on her shoulder, feeling a rougher spray of droplets, and realized her dripping hair and dripping face. From far away, you wouldn’t know if Quinn was crying or just soaked, unless you knew that Quinn never cried.

He released his hand almost instantly, and it was almost like Quinn got harder and sterner with its absence. She straightened. The water on her face became more clearly _rainwater_. Her jaw set itself.

She began to talk about other things, little rambling thoughts coming into her head, but her gaze was cold and faraway.

When they reached school, Alec mentioned to Quinn to wipe the rainwater off the seat with the towel in the passenger’s compartment. Predictably, Quinn ignored this, and Alec, unperturbed, wiped the seat himself before stepping outside to meet a totally different person.

Any trace of bitterness gone, Quinn transformed into a sparkling wildflower everyone knew her to be.

“Ready, my Alec darling?” she noted, eyebrows playful, smile glittering. She extended an arm, and let her face tilt up once to inhale the rain, eyes fluttering, eyelashes catching the tiniest, clearest pearls of glass.

Alec took her arm just as playfully. _Have fun._

And they walked in together, just as normal. Just as Alec and Quinn.


	12. Obsession

He hadn’t seen him at school today, which was normal. They had different schedules, were in different grades, hung out with different people. But he felt like he should say something. Anything. Out of appreciation. Out of guilt, too- he had given Magnus nothing in return for what he’d done. What did Magnus want, exactly? Alec’s company? A charity case? A sense of fulfillment? Money?

His fingers hovered around his phone, constantly switching back from home screen to call button, home screen to text message, home screen, phone, messages, phone, home screen, phone-

He locked the phone before he could do anything stupid and threw it aside, wringing his hands in his hair.

They weren’t friends.

Alec shouldn’t let himself forget that. He’s already spent an unhealthy amount of time obsessing over this, for absolutely no reason at all, which gave him a very nauseous feeling churning around in his stomach.

Besides. He couldn’t think of anything interesting enough to say anyways.

*******

“What made you finally relax?” Jace’s voice interrupted. Alec inhaled loudly, filling the air with a surprised hiccupy sound. He hadn’t even noticed Jace jog up. Without even looking at his friend’s face, he could see the outline of Jace’s smile- quirked up on one side, amused, smug, chin high. Loose. Relaxed.

Alec was never relaxed. Which is why, when he replayed the question in his head, it came to Alec as a surprise that Jace would think of him that way.

“Relaxed?” Alec said, incredulously. They began to lean, running along the curve of the track. Despite the weighty heaviness of the padding, it wasn’t a bad workout. The air was cold enough to enjoy warming up with some exercise. The jogging was casual enough to not make Alec want to kill himself. And he liked being distracted.

“You know what I mean. Relaxed for you, at least. Calmer. Less freaked out than last week. Did you finally work things out with Queen Bitch?”

“Don’t call her that.”

“You know very well that request is not going to happen.”

“Don’t call her that around me, then. And yes. We’re good.” He’d almost added a “...thanks to Magnus” at the end of the sentence, but caught himself just in time. Whether it was ever acknowledged out loud or not, Magnus and Alec had pretty much decided that their meetings would be secret. It was embarrassing for Alec to apparently be so bad at relationships that he needed to seek help from a gay Warlock, and he was fairly certain that the gay Warlock wouldn’t necessarily want to be associated with him- a junior Hunter- in public either. The last part, to Alec’s total horror, kind of hurt. Which was odd- he hadn’t thought he cared about his pride that much.

Jace waited for a good ten seconds before snorting. “Want to maybe fill your best friend in on what happened instead of being secretive as hell? You’ve barely spoken all week.”

Alec paused, something bitter rising on his tongue, his and Magnus’ meetings at the tip of it. He was afraid it’d stumble off, take off into the air on its own accord. He chose to go with the easier explanation. “It’s hard to explain Quinn. We went on a date Saturday. I’ve pissed her off a couple times and then made up for it.”

Jace waited again, staying silent, and Alec could feel something come up, some barrier, and he felt overwhelmed by its presence. Panicking, he said, quickly and quietly, “Sorry, I’m just… Going through some things with that right now and I don’t really want to think about it.”

Still, Jace stayed quiet, and Alec held his breath, which was a very stupid thing to do while jogging, and he got rid of that action immediately. Finally, head forward, not turning to look at Alec, Jace stated, “I’m going on a date this Saturday.”

Alec didn’t quite know what to say to that. Even though it sort of ached at his heart (a feeling he still couldn’t quite understand to this day- he always felt a mix of bitterness and confusion whenever Jace found a new girl, as though she would somehow take away his best friend away from him. He was possessive like that, perhaps since he had no other guy friends. And, anyways, he always felt a fierce loyalty for his family- maybe jealousy and territory stemmed from that), Jace went on dates all the time. Why was this any different?

“And this girl… I don’t know. I’m nervous, for once. And so I think I can understand, for once. About relationship problems.” It clearly took a lot of strength for Jace to admit that, and even though something like fear boiled up (fear? why fear? why was he… why was this such a-) as sharp bubbles in Alec’s mouth, the fact that Jace would confide such a thing, admit such a blow, was surprising and rare and touching.

“So I think I can understand about being nervous about dating,” Jace repeated. “But...”

He trailed off, and a battle raged through Jace’s expression. Confusion, amusement, awe, anger, nervousness all played into the creases and scrunches of his visage-

“Who is she?” Alec prompted, unsure of his own battle of emotions at the moment. And Jace startled for a second, before smoothing out his features and returning back.

“I’ve been walking with her around a lot this past week. This past month, actually, but only this week has she started…” He reddened, and Alec blanched at that, nearly stopping in his place, unsure if this was the real Jace running beside him. He couldn’t remember the last time Jace blushed. “Started… Walking with me around school. If you actually looked up and talked to me once during that time, maybe you’d know that.”

Alec began to protest, but Jace waved him off. “Anyways, that’s what I wanted to say before: I can kind of understand dating being difficult, but I think you’re putting too much of your time into it. Especially for Quinn, out of all people. Honestly. Don’t obsess. I don’t want this to turn into a month of not seeing you and having it be a regular thing.”

There was a pause where Alec processed this, and then-

“Also, maybe you should think about talking to Isabelle. Just a thought.”

And then they jogged in silence for a minute until the coach called them in for drills.


	13. Forgotten

He hated it when Jace was right. Alec couldn’t really quite find in his memories the last time he and Isabelle sat down and talked. A fact enhanced when he sat around the house for a couple days, waited for her, and went to bed without seeing her come in. Was she even going to school? A scolding sort of fear seized Alec. He wouldn’t know- as a sophomore, she barely saw him around campus. And he never drove her to school. She hated his car, and hated being seen in it- and with her constant stream of boyfriends and her backup driver Aline always willing to take her, Isabelle never had a problem with avoiding driving with Alec whenever possible.

He would be worried, of course, of her being kidnapped, or something, if she hadn’t responded to his texts. One word answers, of course, but responses all the same.

Finally, on a Wednesday, she walked in the room breezily, and Alec jumped from the place where he’d forced Jace to sit down and do homework.

“So, Izzy,” he stated. She raised her eyebrows. Jace took the opportunity to steal out of the room. “Where exactly have you been the past few days?”

“Just the past few days?” she immediately retorted, giving a twisted grimace. Even as a sophomore, she loomed over most other girls and even over some guys in junior year, and she radiated a grown-up quality to her. “So you finally noticed?”

“What do you mean?” Alec felt the need to defend himself. He had a feeling about where this was going, even if he couldn’t put that feeling quite into clarity or thought yet-

“Please, Alec. Don’t be dumb. It doesn’t suit you.” She carelessly dumped her backpack onto the floor, notebooks and papers spilling out over the side. Alec furrowed his face.

“Izzy,” Alec emphasized, and she groaned.

“Izzy,” she mocked back, breezing past Alec, forcing him to follow, knowing he would follow. He climbed the stairs silently, and when she still refused to speak, he resorted to begging, knowing she liked that, even if she’d never admit it.

“Please. I’m sorry, for whatever I did. But can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“That is honestly,” Izzy’s mouth gave off a tiny explosion- not necessarily booming and shattering, but abrupt and spontaneous and just broken enough. “The problem, actually, Alec. That you don’t know what’s going on. That you can’t even see- that you just now started to-”

She shook her head, stopping at the top of the stairs, blazing as she looked down at him. Alec’s face responded in a worried- but comfortable -glance. His sister he could handle. Even with something like guilt swelling over him, he still knew, understood, and felt himself around his sister. For once during this entire week, he felt a grip on his feelings and an understanding of his body. This was pain within comfort- he felt the uncontrollable sorrow and hurt of his sister without feeling out of place.

“Okay, to fill you in, basically, is that our parents are getting a divorce. And only I have been noticing. And this house is getting emptier and emptier, with you running off with your girlfriend that I hate, and our parents gone constantly, and Hodge landing himself in jail, and it’s basically been just me watching and understanding what’s going on here while everyone else trudges by. And it just managed to amaze me that nobody seemed to ask how I was doing, even though I seemed to make it pretty clear. Everyone else is focused on their own shit and nobody- when I was clearly freaking the fuck out- stopped and went, ‘Hey, Iz. How are you?’ in a way that was meaningful, and not out of some polite obligation. And although the other Hunters on my team didn’t really ask me how I was doing too much, I was kind of like, yeah, okay, but they’re not really family, they’re there to distract, and, like, get me to have fun, and to relieve some burden. But you, freaking you and Jace or even Mom and Dad when they were home that one day, my family, didn’t even ask. So, yeah. That’s a problem. And I knew that if I tried to self-pity and lock all of this up and shit I would feel even worse, and I’m not even that sort of person anyways, which is why I’ve told you and Jace about my problems. But those problems aren’t even really the point, here, even though they contribute and still suck- the point is that even to this moment, nobody had asked. Nobody. Am I that unimportant? Like, seriously? And yeah, Alec, I know you just kind of asked how I was doing, sort of, just now, but that was out of complete curiosity, and wasn’t really the way I wanted you to ask at all, and it took you like a month and a half to recognize it, and that fucking sucks, Alec! And Jace didn’t even ask- I had to tell him upfront- but at least he was home enough to actually hang out with me and have time to listen to me. You, you and Quinn, that’s all the two of you are recently, and she’s a disgusting human being anyway, so that even adds more suck to the pile-”

“I didn’t realize-”

“Yeah, you didn’t. And you never asked me about my opinion on her, by the way. I wouldn’tve even known that you guys were officially dating until like two days ago when you said you were going on a date with her and I had to ask Jace about it. Like, I’m not going to lie, Alec. You’ve been pretty shitty recently.”

“Izzy-”

“And now I’m going to be mad at you in my room, because I might cry, but come find me later when I’ve calmed down enough and don’t want to throw something at your face.”

“I w- Izzy-” Alec started, but stopped, knowing how to deal with this. “Okay. Yeah. I’ll come up later.”

By the time he’d said “Okay”, she was already climbing back to the top of the marble stairs, nails scratching at the sleek onyx metal railing.

His heart throbbed, imploding within itself. Painfully. He imagined Izzy the past few months, and how grumpy she seemed, how he hadn’t thought it wasn’t anything totally out of the ordinary, how he really hadn’t asked anything about it. And the guilt ate at him. He felt vomit rise up at the back of his throat. He stared blankly at the table in front of him, swallowing, forming his mental apology to Izzy, hoping it’d be enough to convey how… hurt he was that she was hurt. How deeply he felt her pain. How sorry, how incredibly guilty, how much he wished he had looked up from his own problems to see hers.

He hated Jace a little, at this moment. For being there, when he wasn’t.

And somewhere along this train of thoughts, the Quinn thing came up, which he winced at, knowing that she had been the main reason he’d been so absorbed this past month, knowing how she had been a large part of this problem, knowing that the best thing to do was to mentally be loyal to Izzy and focus only on her for a little while, but suddenly she tied in with Quinn, and Quinn tied in with her, and they couldn’t be separated until Alec bit by bit analyzed them both out.

It seemed like, if you hadn’t known either of them, that Quinn and Izzy should be best friends. They both led. They both turned heads. They were beautiful. They both were the best at what they did. But knowing them personally, they couldn’t be more different. Izzy let her emotions hang out in the air. Izzy exposed herself. Izzy didn’t manipulate. Izzy wore stilettos, black clothes, walked like she could lay waste to the entire school. Quinn wore floral, loose blouses and skirts that dangled off her body like clothes were an inconvenience to her, and walked like the world was her playground.  And people seem to forget that two headstrong, leading people tend to create wars.

But they both needed attention.

And Alec realized with a sudden shudder that he now had three warnings about Quinn tucked in his memories now. One from Izzy, obviously. One from Jace.

And Magnus.

**Maybe Magnus…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> by the way- Hunters are both fencers and football players. Izzy is on the fencing team at her school, therefore she is a Hunter. She is not a female football player, although that also would've been hella awesome and I had debated it for a long, large amount of time.


	14. An Excuse

He had an excuse.

It was okay.

He had to press send.

Why was he so nervous?

ALEC:

**I still have your shirt. I have to give that back to you.**

Right as he sent it, panic squeezed at his lungs. Too formal. Too formal. And too formal was not what he wanted, not now, not - it just wasn’t what he-

ALEC:

**I also noticed the patterning on it during my date.**

And now that sounded accusatory. He didn’t want to be accusatory. He wasn’t trying to be accusatory.

ALEC:

**I still don’t really know how to respond to that.**

And now he’s sent much too many messages. Much, much, much too many.

He threw his phone away and buried his head in his arms, still waiting for Isabelle to come down. He was suddenly so tired. And just kind of done with thinking, his chest feeling tight, his mind feeling guilty and stupid and dumb-

His phone dinged. Once. A text message. He lifted his head slightly, and the same tight ball in his chest loosened and trickled up in a leap.

He was terrified by that leap.

Alec reached for his phone, hesitant, trying to stifle any thoughts and feelings-

_MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):_

i prsnlly found the patterning quite enjoyable myself

Something like a smile flickered over Alec’s face, and he momentarily forgot Izzy, forgot his stress. His fingers hovered, wanting but unsure, unable to formulate thought to text, when

_MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):_

plse tell me Q noticed

And Alec broke out into something more than a smile.

It sounded like a laugh, but it felt like more like radiant sunshine.

And with a place to start, he began his response.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short chapter sorry! but triple update today so have fun with that :)


	15. Chapter 15

Alec felt bizarrely, awkwardly familiar with the foreign door in front of him, clenching Magnus’ interestingly patterned shirt in his right hand. He noticed that he was at the uncomfortable crossroad from vaguely knowing an apartment to recognizing its type of paint, the chipped marks along the railing, the creaks of the wood in the flooring. And he felt some discomfort at the thought of the... appropriateness of getting used to these things. Should he be getting used to this apartment? Did he want to?

Thoughts went out the window when Magnus opened the door, hair wild and scruffy and unbrushed. Unfashioned, low gray sweatpants dragged against his navy boxers, and his chest sported a messy long-sleeved black t-shirt with a couple of ruby glittering sequins.

Alec looked at Magnus’ eyes, sleepily peering out, the skin around it highlighted like a soft honey, and felt like he got punched in the chest. Only because, of course, because… Because Magnus looked so different-

“Wow,” Alec had burst out with, unintentionally. Immediately he recognized what he said, and tried to ignore the red burning in his ears. “I- Wow, what happened?”

Magnus glanced at him with heavy eyelids, running some fingers through the mess nesting on his head, and Alec’s stomach betrayed him once again by trying to kick its way out of his body. “What a glowing way to boost my self-esteem, darling.”

Alec flinched at the word darling, sunshine freckles and red hair dancing into his mind before dancing back out again. “Oh, I’m… I’m sorry. I hadn’t meant to-”

“Save your apologizing. I am quite aware of how I look. Unfortunately, the world and I- and you, I suppose- will have to deal with it for today.” And with that, he padded drowsily onto his couch with the mirror-like slouch of his cat. Alec shifted in a sort of wide-eyed worry, clenching the shirt he’d borrowed from Mangus a little bit harder. Magnus had glanced up, with eyebrows raised.

“Have we not gotten past the ‘wait to come in until invited’ rule?”

Alec smiled shyly at that, eyes grazing the floor, where Magnus’... different look didn’t distract him. “I could leave the shirt,” he offered, eyes still staring. “And come back… Tomorrow, or something. So you can sleep.”

Magnus rolled his eyes. “You’re already here,” he pointed out. “And I’ve already been woken. Just throw the shirt on the chair there and get on the couch.”

Alec stayed still for a moment, and Magnus lost patience. “Just get in, Alec.”

And hearing his name on Magnus’ tongue actually startled Alec into doing exactly what Magnus had said. Why did that feel so rare? When was the last time Magnus had said his name? Had it ever felt this shocking or… Angel. Had it ever felt this touching?

“Do you want me to make you tea-” Alec began, but Magnus cut him off.

“So, Isabelle. You have problems with her, as well?”

“I…” Alec couldn’t keep from staring at Magnus, lamely, unable to look anywhere else. Magnus’ hair.... it was more distracting today than it ever has been in the past, when it’s dyed all different shades of rainbow. He had the sudden urge to fix it for him, to comb through the locks himself- “I’m not dating Isabelle-”

“Clearly,” Magnus drawled, slowly, as though Alec were stupid, and Alec may have been offended if it hadn’t brought an amused sort of delight on Magnus’ sleepy face. “But you briefly mentioned some problems with her on the phone, and she’s a girl, and you seem to have problems with girls, so I was wondering if-”

“We’re good,” Alec remembered, uncertainly, of his deep, heartfelt apology to her on Wednesday and her annoyed and resigned acceptance of it. They’d hugged, and she laughed shortly, once, and they were probably all good now, but it also felt open-ended, as though options of conclusion were still up in the air. And perhaps conclusion was still up in the air- Alec still had to remedy his past ignorance of Isabelle, and had to talk to her more often, spend time with her, reassure her about their parents… And if he didn’t do that, then he supposed he wasn’t forgiven. But if he did, he supposed he was. “I think. We… We’ll see. I think it just depends on what I do next.”

“And do you know what to do next?”

“Yes. Isabelle and I… we’re family. I understand her.”

“Good,” Magnus’ eyelids seemed to fall against his will, and his voice came out a bit unsteady. “Now, what were you-”

“Magnus,” Alec pleaded, unsure if they were at that point in acquaintanceship where he could do this, “ _Please_ go to sleep, or let me make you some-”

Golden hazel eyes snapped back open, and Alec’s voice paralyzed.

“I’m fine. Tell me about… About what’s next for you and Quinn.”

Alec chose another route, though, and asked a question that had been bothering him for a while. “Where are your parents?”

Magnus jumped, a little, and Alec regretted asking.

“You don’t have to respond to that if you don’t want to. We can move on. I just wasn’t sure if they were out of town- mine are never home either- or if I should ever-”

“My parents have been dead for a while. They left me a significantly large sum of money and a vaguely related great-uncle. And so when I turned eighteen, I moved here to keep out of my relative’s way until college. And it’s only for a year, so might as well get a space that was fairly fabulous, so I got this. And I suppose that that’s the basic summary of it.”

Alec’s fingers froze. What was he supposed to say to that?

Apparently Magnus knew what he was going to say, though, because immediately there came a “Don’t say another one of your ‘I’m sorry’s, please. As if you don’t say it enough. It’s all in the past now. We don’t need to waste any more time being sorry about it-”

And Alec’s body moved forward ahead without his mind once again and took Magnus’ hand and gently squeezed. Once. Alec could feel Magnus’ warmth sweep through the nerves on his fingers before he let go gently and took his hand back for himself. An image of coffee-colored, jewel-adorned fingers against Alec’s pale, almost sickly white ones continued to linger in front of his eyes, even after Alec had let go. Shockingly, the image… the image was comfortable. It was an image that made sense. At least, it made sense until Alec’s brain caught up with the present, and he noticed Magnus watching him, curiously, quietly, with only the barest hint of surprise lingering there.

And then Alec, feeling the familiar rise of panic and worry and confusion start up again in his heart, swallowed it down and gave Magnus a simple nod.  A small smile passed between the two of them.

And then Alec continued on to talking about Quinn.

He could tell… Alec could tell with a sort of touched, awed pride at himself, that somehow, his actions towards Magnus had been exactly the correct moves to make.

In his head, Alec went through what Magnus said, over and over again. Alone. In this house. Orphaned. And… And _gay_. And still… he manages to do fairly well at school, manages to be popular, manages to be a High Warlock.

A surge of energy went through Alec, and this apartment and Magnus suddenly glowed with something untouchable, something holy and sacred. And Alec remembered his embarrassment and discomfort for being here, for being around Magnus just a couple of weeks ago, and nausea erupted around him. His face unwillingly contorted in a grimace, and he forgot his place in the conversation.

Jolting back, he was met with a gentle prompt of “Quinn’s text…?” from Magnus’ lips. “Right,” was what came from Alec’s, and he continued on, a little frustrated. He felt a need to talk about anything else other than Quinn, right now. To ask more about Magnus’ childhood, to tell Magnus a little about Alec’s own childhood. To be more than a charity transaction.

By the Angel, Alec wanted to be _friends_.

But as he didn’t know how to start with that just yet, Alec numbly continued through with his recent evaluations of Quinn and listened to Magnus’ advice, letting the current of time take them both away.

****

At one point, Alec saw Magnus’ eyes drooping and excused himself to get them both drinks of water. His hands hovered around the tea packets he noticed scattered along Magnus’ wood counter before once again realizing, with a pang, that that was a boundary he couldn’t cross, that that required a connection to Magnus that he didn’t have. When he came back with two ice waters, Magnus was very clearly sleeping.

Alec froze. What he should do is leave, or maybe wake Magnus up to finish those last pieces of advice. But now the flow of conversation and time had been disrupted- a choice presented itself in front of him. He could walk out calmly. Or…

Or he could overstep his boundaries.

He could start forming the connection he suddenly wanted so badly-

His arms already shrugging off his coat, his face already burning, his mind still two steps behind, Alec’s body already had made the decision for him.

He gently laid his coat along Magnus’ body, and for a panicked second, he was hit with a thousand awkward or uncomfortable scenarios this could lead to- Magnus could wake up right now, Magnus could find this action creepy, Magnus could get the wrong idea and try to make a move on Alec later…. But before he could register any of these, his feet were already out the door, and Alec was shivering, but that didn’t quite matter, anymore. The warmth that Alec was losing had been given to Magnus, and that was okay with Alec.

He felt sick. In a good way. A fearful way.

As he hailed a cab home, he associated it with the cold, and continued to think, over and over-

_Alone. Orphan._

_And gay._

 


	16. A Loving Sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DUDES I HAT EMYSELF SO MUCH I AM SO SORRY I HAVENT' BEEN CATCHING UP HONESTLY UPDATES WILL START COMING QUICKLY AND IN ABUNDANCE OVER THE NEXT FOUR OR FIVE DAYS TO ATTEMPT TO MAKE UP FOR MYSELF HONESTLY WHAT HAPPENED WAS I HAD THREE HOURS OF SLEEP ONE NIGHT TO STUDY FOR A TEST AND THEN THAT ESCALATED INTO ME BEING BEHIND ON SCHOOLWORK WHICH ESCALATED INTO ME BEING BEHIND ON LIFE WHICH ESCALATED INTO ME BEING BEHIND ON THIS  
> AND THEN I WANTED TO WRITE YOU GUYS TEN CHAPTERS BEFORE I POSTED BUT I SIMPLY COULDN'T FIND TIME TO DO TEN CHAPTERS IN MY SCHEDULE WHATSOEVER AND I JUST NEED TO GET SOMETHING DOWN AND NOT PROCRASTINATE ANYMORE SO I DID THIS LITTLE CHAPTER TO GET BACK INTO IT BUT TOMORROW. FINALLY. I CAN WORK.  
> THAT'S A PROMISE.  
> THANKS A MILLION TO THE PEOPLE STIKCING WITH THIS LOVE YOU SORRY FOR BEING A DICK AUTHOR

When Alec got home, he could hear the shouts before he walked in the front door, and it was only then that he let reality fall like glass and shatter onto his shoulders. Izzy had been right, of course. Alec was just too oblivious or idealistic to see it- Dad sleeping on the couch the few days he was at home (“because of his snoring,” his mother had teased quickly and breezily, “I can’t get sleep”), the silence whenever Alec walked into the room, the surprise that manifested on their faces when they laughed at each other’s jokes, like they hadn’t realized it was possible.

His parents were home.

And also yelling.

Izzy was draped over the couch, staring blankly at commercials. Alec hesitated with the slightest of pauses, taking in the blue artificial light reflected in the ebony of her hair and glancing over the gray shadows of her cheekbones, before sitting down next to her.  

Alec turned up the volume.

Izzy would go through cycles of clenching and unclenching her jaw. A war between hard lines and release, anger and defeat, played over Izzy’s features.

Alec put a hand on her shoulder, feeling something like numbed shock pool around him. Perhaps he’d feel angry tomorrow. For now, he couldn’t do or feel much of anything.

“Yeah” was what Izzy stated bitterly, a very unhappy I Told You So relaying itself to Alec. Alec understood.

A door slam ended the fight after three brainless Big Bang Theory episodes. Izzy put her head on Alec’s shoulder and the hurt, angry, hard line that was her jaw jabbed Alec’s collarbone.

“Put on The Incredibles,” she commanded, and Alec didn’t bother to argue. They’d been obsessed with that movie when they were young, and as a joke two years ago they started rewatching it. With surprise, they’d found that they still could quote full scenes at one time. It started becoming a habit to watch it every three months or so. Or, actually, recently, they hadn’t quite lived up to that tradition, probably because of school starting, and Alec… And… Alec meeting Quinn.

When he turned back around after putting the DVD in the player, Izzy was wrapped in a royal cocoon of navy blanket. He smiled faintly at her, and she smiled faintly back, and a pang hit them that was simultaneously painful and comforting.

Jace came in halfway through the movie and seemed to guess the mood, sitting down with only one snarky comment of “Getting cozy in here, aren’t we?” before snuggling up with Alec and Izzy. Jace’s breath starting warming Alec’s bicep and this, too, brought a painful, comforting, and terrifying pang in Alec.

He went to bed with loving sorrow in his heart.

 

 


	17. Too Obvious, Too Much

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> again, trying to catch up! sorry guys ! thank you for some of your lovely comments; it really does keep me motivated to keep going, thank you s o so os much ! <3

Sunday had dragged- slow, timeless, ageless. Monday morning had been a series of creaking groans and gears lurching as Alec stumbled with reality.

He’d been halfway to school when he heard a sharp ring in his car. Glass chimes. Quinn had picked her ringtone out herself.

In utter, slamming panic, he swerved the car around, back towards Quinn’s house, back towards his girlfriend that he’d completely forgotten, and flew, fast, fast, fast, faster than his thoughts or feelings, faster than nerves could catch him, fast enough to fly towards his goal, whatever that was-

Quinn, to say the least, was not happy.

“Overslept,” had been Alec’s dazed excuse. Quinn stayed silent. Alec’s brain was almost too numb to care.

Almost.

“I have a test first period,” Quinn said, primly, ice leaking through her words, her cheek pressed to car’s glass. “And we’re late.”

Alec, meaning to sound only slightly teasing, stated with words like rocks, “Since when have you cared about school, again?”

Quinn whipped her head around, and Alec startled- at her movement, at himself, at his tone. He didn’t know quite where that had come from. He gripped the wheel a little harder and couldn’t manage to get his head to turn to the girl beside him, swallowing instead.

A few seconds of car engine revving, wind, and traffic passed through the air before Quinn rustled in her seat, turning towards the front. Quietly, to herself, in a voice that Alec wasn’t sure he was meant to hear, she breathed, “That is right. That is right.”

And then a beat later, there came a harder “When _have_ I?”

Alec finally broke his gaze away from the streets ahead of him to fling a look at Quinn. Her expression was uncannily open, slipped, loose, sagging- her eyes were widened, glassy, shining with broken light as she looked down at her hands.

And her hands- dainty, spritely, flitting fingers- were trembling, crumbling.

Alec swerved his eyes back to the road, heart pounding. As always, the reason for his feelings evaded him, slipping away in the same way that curls of smoke lose themselves to air.

Quinn seemed to realize, desperately, too late, that she’d given out too much. Alec felt her voice switch, and the contrast between the moment before and the moment after was simply too contrasting, too obvious.

“I suppose I care because everyone else does. I guess I just got swept up in it all.” Too breezy. Too carefree. Too much. Alec hurt inside, feeling sick, but in a way… In a way where he felt sick… instead of for himself…

He felt sick for Quinn.

“You are right,” her voice took another turn, twisting in a way that reminded Alec of curved thorn vines, black and jagged. “You are most completely right. What are we doing, worrying about school? Caring about it? Let us… Let us just _go_. Let’s just go on, Alec. Just drive right past school. I know quite well that you are sick of it, too- I can see it in your face, darling, we have to, we have to just go on, it… it will be like this grand adventure ahead of us with only this obstacle of school that we could so easily breeze by… We could go to the waters! And get something lovely to eat, I don’t know… Oh, no, wait, I- _Parks_. Oh, grace, we could go to the parks, Alec, we have to-”

And she continued on, her voice getting higher and higher, her body straightening, her face slipping again, her features breaking again, but in a way that it was breaking away to light spilling through its cracks…

Alec tried to match the breezy tone that Quinn took on as he gently tried to ground the idea back down to reality. “School would call our parents.”

“Parents and school. Irrelevant. That is… a future problem. We always think about the future- why not let it bear some of our burdens for once-”

“I can’t drive into the inner city, Quinn, you know that-”

“A cab. I have money. I have money. And if not that, the subway, or something, we could manage, as long as we _get_ there-” she stopped, whipping herself towards Alec again, voice taking on something like pleading. “Darling. Alec. We need this. I need this. Let’s just- _please_. A day. A morning. An _hour_.”

Alec was nearly at the school. He felt the silence weigh down on him in the air. And for a second, his insides squeezed, attempting to conform themselves, attempting to rearrange, to Quinn’s needs. And he felt nauseous, again, except this time he felt nauseous for himself.

“You’re the one that doesn’t care about school, Quinn,” he reminded her, as gently as he could, getting in the right lane. The school was just up ahead- some yards to go and a turn away. “But I do.”

He could feel the air suck out. He could feel darkness and shadows overtake the car, overtake Quinn’s body, which deflated, melting into the chair. He could feel the disappointment, sending out poisonous radiation, striking his own heart.

“That is right,” Quinn’s voice slipped out, once again too quiet and too vulnerable. “You do.”

This time, Alec was positive he’d been meant to hear the words that floated off her tongue.

Quinn was staring at the school with undisguised venom, face contorting into something beautifully dark, twisted, wild. And as Alec parked, swallowing, getting out of the car, he could feel her eyes trail after him. Not poisonous, but… Awakened. Disappointed.

Hurt.

Quinn walked by him without another word.

 


	18. Pure Blemish

Alec had waited for Quinn after practice only to hear that she’d gone home with Carla.

And along his way back towards the parking lot, his brain must have picked up the splashes coming from far off. And his feet must have… redirected, or something.

Because suddenly, Alec found himself fifteen feet away from strolling onto the pool bleachers, with only a door between him and the practice.

His breathing hitched.

His thoughts should have been revolving around, “Back to the car, idiot. Nice path you decided to take.”

Not “I want to go in.”

_But why?_

**_You know why._ **

_But…_

**_Magnus. Magnus is why._ **

_But I don’t… I don’t-_

**_Calm down and go in._ **

_I don’t, though, I don’t-_

**_You don’t..?_ **

_We’re just friends!_

**_So? You’re friends. Friends look out for friends. So go in._ **

_But-_

_**But**._

_But-_

_**But**._

_I-_

**_Go in._ **

And somehow, with that last burst of energy exploding in glitter around his heart, warm and sparkling, Alec took a breath and slipped in through the door.

It was significantly less dramatic than he feared it would have been- nobody looked up, nobody turned around, none of the swimmers seemed to notice his presence lodge itself along the cold metal of the benches, taking out mittens. A couple of others lounged along the bleachers, too, doing homework, waiting for others, and only they looked up as Alec sat down. They went back to their business uncaringly as Alec perched uncomfortably in his place on the top corner, isolating himself.

He found Magnus just as he begun to search for him.

Without rainbow streaks, without blaring outfits, without glitter, Magnus still stood out in an obvious glare. Among the constant movement, among the windmilling arms slicing the air, against the flying rain of droplets splattering like clear paint, his strokes, his grace, his agelessness, his everything… It controlled the scene. The warm honey of his arms, biceps, back muscles clashed against the enticing purity of the water, blemishing the blue complexion.

To be honest, Alec preferred the blemish to the purity.

Triumphantly finishing his current set of laps, his hair clung to his forehead, and some raven, erratic spikes stayed true to his eccentric self and stuck up in a small, stubborn cluster at the back of his head. He’d glance at the time watch at the edge of the pool, eyes furrowed, face concentrated, and bite his lip. His head jerked up, and Alec felt a red flush flood at his core, suddenly unable to breathe, busying himself with his backpack.

After that, Alec would only allow himself occasional glances in Magnus’ general direction. Only a couple. Just a few. Maybe about three or so per minute.

 _It’s not because of… his appearance, or anything_ , Alec cried out to himself internally. _It’s just that he’s so good at swimming. It’s his gracefulness- I don’t have that, I wish I do, I don’t, it’s not anything else…_

Alec’s head went awash with nausea.

Suddenly unhinged, suddenly ready to leave, Alec forced himself to steady himself, staring at precalc problems until mind went blurry.

He inhaled, leaning back, managing to latch onto a number. 471.

He forced himself to drown in numbers, and almost succeeded. But every few minutes or so, a cry would come out from the pool, and he’d have to glance up, and again, be stunned.

By Magnus and his… athletic ability.

Nothing more.

Once, he could hear Magnus’ laugh, knowing it was his before even looking up, and he felt it rise up, carry away into the air, golden, and cut right through Alec’s schoolwork.

He shook his head a couple times, furiously, before continuing, unsure of how Alec could manage to leave himself feeling so confused.

Mercifully, somehow, for twenty minutes, Alec managed to absorb a fair amount of his brain into his work. And he didn’t even think about… he didn’t think about anything else.

Until he heard footsteps clang, in a rhythm, one after another, up the metal steps.

Towards him.

Eyes wide, hair in face, Alec startled upwards.

And he nearly fell off the bench.

A sunlit figure of Magnus Bane, freshly shirtless, droplets forming rivulets down the curves and paths of his body, stood in front of Alec, amused and….

And, Alec noticed with soft surprise, _hesitant_.

“I don’t believe any Hunters are here,” Magnus raised his eyebrows. It only took a second for Alec to realize… that he was _teasing_.

Alec couldn’t help but flush, looking away. He took too long of a pause to remember to say, “Oh. Um… I know.”

A beat passed between them, full of Alec’s chest being tight, tight, tight. He hadn’t been like this just three days ago. He hadn’t been like this around Magnus since-

And then there was a clang, and Alec jolted, and felt something sink into his knee, and his eyes blinked, and Magnus was there, wet knee touching his, sitting next to him, waving his friends off, who threw looks behind them. And Alec was ready to panic, ready for his hands to tremble, ready to feel the weight of reality sink into his body, to realize- he was a Warlock and Alec was a Hunter, it’s not going to happen, this friendship can’t happen, nobody can know why we know each other, nobody can know about Quinn, nobody can know that Alec was-

And Magnus laughed.

Magnus laughed, and the suffocating, dark, fear cloud dissipated with the brightness of it all. Like water sprinkling against a window. Like a splash.

Just a splash, and Alec’s insides were smooth.

He was so, so afraid.

“You act like I bite,” Magnus sent a gleaming smile Alec’s way, and Alec…

Simply…

Couldn’t help but smile back.

******

Alec and Magnus walked back together, Magnus freshly changed, hair hardening in the cold, towards their respective cars.

Before ducking into his own tiny, red fiat (and of course Magnus had a fiat, Alec had thought in disbelief), Magnus grabbed a hold of Alec’s wrist. His fingers were cold, but they still managed to send warm shocks up to Alec’s spine. Alec nearly leaned into the touch.

“I have a coat I believe needs returning,” Magnus’s voice, kind and smooth and holding a smile, brushed Alec’s chest. “When would you like to retrieve it?”

Alec’s pulse. Could Magnus feel it? The thought of Magnus getting the wrong idea, of having the power over Alec to measure his heart rate, made his heart beat even faster. _He didn’t want Magnus to take things the wrong way, he didn’t want Magnus to_ -

And with that thought in his brain, Alec’s words tumbled out, breathlessly, into- “Tomorrow?”

Magnus blinked, fingers loosening on Alec’s wrist, and Alec’s face contorted. What was wrong with him? What was wrong with his _mouth_?

Alec began again, ready to tug his wrist out of Magnus’ grip, embarrassed, “I mean, actually, you have stuff going on, probably, you don’t have to, obviously, you’re probably really busy-”

Magnus tightened his grip gently, again, fingers soothing. “You can come over tomorrow if you’d like. You’d have to wait for me again.”

Alec blinked, his head swarming. Those words in Magnus’ mouth- saying that Alec had waited for him today…

But it was true. Alec _had_ waited for him.

Alec had.

Why?

And Magnus had touched upon it like it was normal, like he was faintly touched by the gesture, like this was all usual for him, random boys waiting for him after school. And maybe it was.

The thought made Alec taste bile.

Had other boys done this before?

“Text me?” Magnus asked quietly, gently taking Alec away from his thoughts, forcing him to look down towards Magnus’ face. His hair was drying into fluff in front of his forehead, and Alec’s heart almost ripped out of his chest trying to brush the hair out of Magnus’ eyes.

Instead, Alec swallowed and nodded shyly, and Magnus released Alec’s wrist, softly dragging his fingers away.

Alec’s body, doing something right for once, managed to walk itself away from the fiat, floating absentmindedly through a warped world.

Just like he’d been in the morning, Alec was dazed.

**But rather than problems dragging behind him, he had clouds.**


	19. Decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> explanation time.  
> I don't really have much of an excuse for not posting and you have no idea how much that pains me. I so so os sosososo incredibly wish that I could be a much better author and have much more selfDISCIPLINE but I just- 
> 
> gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> \- just had to let out some emotions in the past month. My school has two plays going on currently, and I am working both of them. The first one took up a week of my time, which was why I couldn't post then, and then I had some tests scattered throughout the next week, and then I had the PSAT the NEXT week, and then boy weirdness throughout, and this pAST weekend has been the OTHER play I was working on, and I'm also doing NaNoWriMo this mONTH, so I stilL WON'T BE able to post really lengthy or quality chapters until- most likely- December, but I'll try to update once a week until then before I go back to daily writing. 
> 
> Excuses, excuses. I'm sorry I had to give you them. I'm sorry if some of you have lost interest in the story for a while. And I'm just really sad that I haven't been on my favorite website in forever- I forced myself to not read any fan fiction until I could get my own fan fiction going.
> 
> So there's my stupid rant and explanation of all the shit that has caught up with me. I'll try to stop sucking so much and post once-twice a week, but unfortunately I am trying to write a book at the same time and most of my focus will be on that until December. 
> 
> THANK YOU TO ALL WHO STUCK WITH THIS AND ME AND I LOVE YOU ALL <3

Izzy had asked where Alec had been when he got home. He froze, struggling between his secrets and his sister. Tarnishing the bond that was slowly remending was painful for him, but so was the incredible fear- a fear that only grew at the amount of fear it was- to talk about Magnus.

"Working on something for Quinn," he eventually said. Which wasn't a lie. Izzy did an eye roll, and they did watch a movie with Jace after homework, but Alec could tell that Izzy could tell that there was a crack there between them, and his heart wrenched at the thought for the rest of the night.

*******

Quinn had asked him the next day to go to coffee after school, apparently having forgiven him for whatever thing Alec did wrong yesterday.

Alec hesitated. And he thought about getting his coat from Magnus'. And the pressure of time began to draw an answer out of him, before he could fully comprehend it, somehow an "I have to wait around school for a while" came out.

And that's when his brain realized- _isn't this going against the very thing Magnus was supposed to be helping Alec with? Isn't Magnus supposed to be getting him back together with Quinn? Isn't Alec... Choosing Magnus over Quinn right now?_

He had time to change his decision. Quinn gave him a chance almost immediately, eyes only slightly narrowing, "Oh? And what is this waiting around for, exactly?"

And Alec could once again feel a hook into his words, the truth, edging them out with a frightening speed, and Alec could only just barely manage to stop them in time. He swallowed instead, choosing to go for an "I have to... meet with the Swim Team. For.... Fundraising. And stuff. So Warlocks and Hunters don't do the same thing."

Quinn's eyes starting hiding under cold layers. "Fundraising?"

"It happens in spring," Alec lied, desperately, hating the foul taste of it on his tongue, hating his inability to convince. "Long ways away."

Why was he making himself go through all of this when he could just as easily text Magnus that it was off?

"Fine," Quinn finished with, distant and aloof and disconnected, giving Alec's shoulder the faintest of brushes before walking down the hall uncaringly, and Alec was left still unsure of how well he pulled that off.

And confused.

And scared.

I need to keep Magnus around. Blowing off a good coffee meeting one day will gain great coffee meetings for a week.

You keep telling yourself that.

********

Alec had taken a cab that morning so he could drive with Magnus after school.

What are you doing? What is happening to you? Where has your reason gone?

Alec didn't know. He couldn't know. All he could do was breeze past the questions and hope to God that they wouldn't follow him.

And he waited, as usual. He waited on the edge of the parking lot until he was sure that Quinn and Carla had driven off into the street. He waited on the sidelines while pretending to do homework he couldn't focus on, sneaking glances at the determination in each one of Magnus' strokes. And he couldn't help but remember what Magnus had said back in his apartment a week before, the words continuing to pass in and out of his mind as they did just about every time he thought of Magnus- alone in his house. Independent. Parents gone. And... Different from everyone else at school. Bold in his personality, and... And in sexuality, too.

He was so incredibly strong, and Alec longed for something that was there in that situation, something that Magnus had that Alec didn't. And the longing was strong. And Alec had no idea where it was coming from.

And Alec when he wasn't watching Magnus snuck fleeting glances at the others, too- their arms, their shoulders... Were the boys on the football team as defined as those?

And before Alec could even stop himself, his thoughts were already barrelling on ahead, realizing that the football team were a bit bulkier, sort of, with a thicker tone to them, whereas the bodies on these swimmers were just leaner and more graceful, in a way, although still having a boxy, boyish quality-

_Fuck, fuck, fuck fuckfuckfuckfuck._

Alec inhaled sharply and slammed his books down in his lap, head roaring. He willed for the moment to pass, attempting to distract himself by calling out random numbers in his head, his cheeks flushing in an ocean of red. _48\. 102. 100075. 2389. 1234567. 1. 2. 3. 0. -81. -82._

He forced himself away from the pool and felt his chest suddenly shrink in a jerking motion from a ribcage down to the size of a pin, a pin of intense, dense, emotional rage, squeezing, tighter, tighter, panic wreaking havoc in shuddering gasps in his chest. It doesn't mean anything, he told himself, desperately, repeating the words, numbly, trying not to think, not even sure he understood what he was saying to himself. It doesn't mean anything.

And then he began to think again, and he clutched his stomach in pain and ached desperately for the heat in his lap to stop.

 _You're not_ , he told himself, keeping in a gasp, turning away to the corner to hold himself together. _You're not. Erections aren't always from desire. You know this. This is random. This was random._

And the ache in his stomach filled with those words, and the hand clenching around his ribcage began to lessen.

 _This was random, random, random, random, this was random._ An uncomfortable, grotesque mixture of longing, aching, heat, pain, disgust, fear, and relief swirled inside him.

And two minutes later, his lap was more or less back to normal.

But the discomfort remained.

He leaned his forehead against the railings, chest queasy, something bitter pooling in his throat and in his mouth. The cold bit at where his skin touched frozen metal and the little openings of his skin in the spaces between his scarf and his sweater were scratched at by the wind. He couldn't bring himself to look at the pool anymore. He wondered if he could walk his forty minute walk and go home now.

He felt sick. Not panicked, necessarily. But sick.

He stayed there, miserable, his forehead getting burns against the freezing metal, the nerves in his skin there turning painfully numb.

And he forced himself to bear it.

He deserved it, somehow.

And thinking about Magnus- normally calming- just made it worse.

Something like H _ow have you not made the connection before?_ flashed in his mind, and Alec gagged. He forced his mind to go blank, blank, numb, numb as possible.

"What connection?" His brain repeated automatically back.

His mind succeeded at going blank, but his body was still on the verge of vomiting everything- his gut, his heart, his soul, his everything. This was a bad idea. He'd known it when he lied to Quinn. He'd known it when the discomfort started settling in. Terrible, terrible idea. Just terrible-

And then Magnus looked up, just as he was getting out of the pool, and Alec ducked his head down, barely able to even look at him. After a minute or so, an agony of curiosity burned through his brain, and he couldn't help but lift his eyes.

And watched as Magnus ignored his team mates calls and jogged up the benches, feet making a wet, smacking clanging echo against the freezing metal. Alec had a sudden horrified vision of Magnus' feet sticking to the metal and not being able to unstick, of Magnus' boxers falling, of Magnus slipping and banging his head and blood pouring and an ambulance coming and him going into a death coma-

Magnus _(damn lucky bastard_ \- Alec would have done at least one if not all three of the above) managed to leap, instead, gracefully from bench to bench.

“Alec.” It was just a word. And it was perfectly placed, with just enough gentle worry, without pushing Alec too far, without nagging, and yet still caring, still soft... Without even trying, Magnus just… He…

It almost made things worse. Just almost. The thing that really made Alec snap back was the print on Magnus’ towel.

“My god,” Alec stared. And then a short bubble of laughter came up, and he snorted, and shook his head, and just for now let himself forget all his tension and laugh at the miracle that was Magnus Bane.

And then he was giggling, nearly groaning, into his hands as he shook his head. The imprint of Magnus’ expression imprinted into his brain in a small flash- a mix of questioning, interest, amusement softening on golden features-

“Is there a store you go to,” he motioned towards the towel, “That makes these handmade for you?”

Magnus looked down in surprise for only a second before giving out one of the lightest, wondering laughs Alec had ever heard.

Fingering the towel that displayed the same pattern of tiny dicks that had dotted the shirt Alec had borrowed, Magnus’ grin quirked up, and Alec was shot into a strange limbo of uncomfortable cheer. A dense lightness.

“Yeah,” Magnus mused. “I suppose I try to be subtle in what I want.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> explanation time.  
> I don't really have much of an excuse for not posting and you have no idea how much that pains me. I so so os sosososo incredibly wish that I could be a much better author and have much more selfDISCIPLINE but I just- 
> 
> gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
> 
> \- just had to let out some emotions in the past month. My school has two plays going on currently, and I am working both of them. The first one took up a week of my time, which was why I couldn't post then, and then I had some tests scattered throughout the next week, and then I had the PSAT the NEXT week, and then boy weirdness throughout, and this pAST weekend has been the OTHER play I was working on, and I'm also doing NaNoWriMo this mONTH, so I stilL WON'T BE able to post really lengthy or quality chapters until- most likely- December, but I'll try to update once a week until then before I go back to daily writing. 
> 
> Excuses, excuses. I'm sorry I had to give you them. I'm sorry if some of you have lost interest in the story for a while. And I'm just really sad that I haven't been on my favorite website in forever- I forced myself to not read any fan fiction until I could get my own fan fiction going.
> 
> So there's my stupid rant and explanation of all the shit that has caught up with me. I'll try to stop sucking so much and post once-twice a week, but unfortunately I am trying to write a book at the same time and most of my focus will be on that until December. 
> 
> THANK YOU TO ALL WHO STUCK WITH THIS AND ME AND I LOVE YOU ALL <3


	20. Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update: I suck as a human being

Alec didn’t quite know what they were going to do once they actually got to Magnus’ house, but it was clear that something was going to happen. Something. Alec made it obvious. And Magnus was brilliant at picking up these sort of things. Alec felt… In instances where it was clear that Magnus was searching for those sort of things to break down and analyze, Alec felt uncomfortable. Like he was transparent, and Magnus could see right through him.

It’s funny- up until high school, transparency was never really a problem. In fact, it was a necessity.

To this day, Alec still craved making himself as brutally open as possible. And once, once upon a time, long ago, he not only wanted but consistently fought for that incredible, vulnerable honesty.

He didn’t fight for that honesty anymore. He wasn’t quite sure why.

And he wasn’t sure if he wanted to know why.

Alec’d noticed Magnus’ analytical skills a week ago. It was when he first realized that Magnus could understand people more than they might even be able to understand themselves. They’d been texting, and as usual, Magnus had started texting first. 

(Whenever Magnus texted first, there was relief. A blooming, overwhelming, inner tidal wave of relief. It came so quickly and ruffled so many nerves in Alec’s body that Alec wondered if he was emotionally stable. Alec tried not to think about it.)

Somewhere along the conversation, Alec had asked how Magnus’ day was. His thumbs twitched remembering it now.

ALEC: Is your day doing fine? Hope swim and today went well.

(he felt the same nervousness rereading this, wincing, as he had the week before)

MAGNUS: day ws fine, swim ws same as usual

And then before Alec could even blink, there was a follow up text, an immediate

MAGNUS: whats wrong ?

He’d known. Just from the way Alec talked in the first text sent. From knowing a guy for three weeks.

ALEC: Family Issues

is what Alec had to say about it, before panicking.  _ Family issues _ . At least Alec had a family, right? How could he be so insensitive?

It was quiet on the other end for a while. Not even the dot-dot-dots in the iMessage- for a second, Alec was convinced that Magnus simply looked at the message and snorted in disgust.

And then-

MAGNUS: I’m here for you.

For whatever reason, Alec’s chest inflated, and he felt like putting in a heart. Just for fun. Just for kicks. It just felt right. And it was friendly. And it was cute.

And he felt so incredibly grateful for those four words that he felt like he should.

But Alec restrained. Because…

Because.

He just couldn’t. Just as much as it felt right, that one “<3”, it felt so wrong.

So Alec settled for a 

ALEC: thank you

ALEC: I appreciate it

And Magnus, proving his skills of understanding once again, knew Alec enough to kindly send pictures of inappropriately placed sharks to make him feel better.

So Alec was pretty sure that even though he himself could only see a hairball of nerves, chunky with confusion, dusting with frustration, Magnus could probably see more.

And even if Alec didn’t know what was going to happen in two hours, Magnus probably did. 


	21. What Happened

“The prank last year? Ridiculous. Chairman Meow could’ve done better.”

“I kind of loved it, actually.”

“It was boring! Anyone can throw _water balloons._ There was a complete lack of creativity.”

“It was simple. Not everything has to be elaborate. And not everything needs glitter to be good.”

“ _Funny_. If I was in charge of the prank this year, you would think differently.”

“Why aren’t you?”

Magnus frowned, shutting the door behind him, taking off his coat, offering to do the same for Alec absentmindedly.

Alec, stupidly, felt his heart race.

Even though he shouldn’t be so surprised. This was just the start of the Something That Was Going To Happen. He'd been anticipating the Something That Was Going To Happen. 

_But what the hell was that Something?_

“I suppose I… am not as excited about high school activities as I used to be.” Magnus’ voice and eyes brought Alec back to the moment. His face and body stayed light, but there was something tired in his limbs, something that slightly dragged his muscles as they moved.

Magnus looked up and flashed a quick smile as Alec continued to worriedly look on, pressing a light hand to Magnus’ back. He wasn’t quite sure what was bothering the other boy, but Alec bit back his questions, knowing that Magnus would only resent them.

“Is it okay, being here alone a lot?” he asked instead, needing to say something, needing to fill the silence with his thoughts. He winced, wanting to kick himself, unsure why he couldn’t control his tongue around Magnus.

Alec had wondered about that question more often than not. He couldn’t picture himself away from his large family at the age of eighteen, but Magnus, of course, with not much of a family left, was different. Would it be exhilarating to him? Something new? An adventure?

Or exhausting?

Magnus shrugged, back muscles moving up and bringing Alec’s hand with it. Alec realized that his hand had stayed there, resting lightly on Magnus, for much too long, and quickly dropped it.

“I have the Chairman,” Magnus thought out loud. “So I suppose… yes. Yes, it’s okay. Although sometimes…”

Magnus seemed to refocus on Alec here, and smiled. “Sometimes,” his voice changed, words throwing themselves easily to the air, “I have my famous parties to keep me company. And some friends that drop by once in a while. And you, with your lovely visits every now and then, taking up space on my couch to watch Law and Order. Speaking of- there’s one right now. Sound appealing?”

It was a beautiful, fluid transition. Flawless. Alec, a little too flattered to be on the list of people that kept Magnus company, hadn’t realized Magnus’ avoiding the subject until a bit later.

So. Law and Order. Just Law and Order. Alec… wasn’t sure if he expected something more. Although, this is a step- not Law and Order in the background while Alec ranted to Magnus about his girlfriend, and not Law and Order as a way to fill the awkward silence between the two as Magnus attempted to get started on fixing Alec’s- the grand charity case’s- pathetic problems. Just… enjoying it. Together.

Friends.

Okay. Yes.

That’s what Alec wanted, hadn’t he?

*****

Only one episode was watched completely. And then, somehow, Alec managed to bring up the topic of “Why don’t you have homework?” and listen to Magnus’ “Homework is a ridiculous invention” speech and then argue using his “But you have to do it” speech  and then listen to “I’d rather take a stand” and then get into sports and what GPA you needed to keep playing them and then argue over which sport was the easiest to get into in college and then laugh at people on Alec’s Hunters team and subjects turned into other subjects and Alec didn’t know why but he just couldn’t stop _speaking_ and suddenly Law and Order was very much forgotten.

“I get uncomfortable at parties,” Alec began, sipping the coffee Magnus managed to magically produce without a coffee maker. “Everyone’s loud and unnecessary. And it makes me feel bland. And Izzy and Jace always leave me alone.”

Magnus snorted. “Loud and unnecessary are what parties are supposed to be. That’s part of the charm. You’re one of those people that don’t drink, aren’t you?”

“I’m always designated brother. I have to take care of my… siblings.” It always somewhat made Alec wince, saying that about Jace. For whatever reason.

“That’s the problem, then. Everything’s much more fun when you’re drunk.”

“I mean, I’ve been drunk before. It’s not worth the next day.”

“No pain, no gain. And you shouldn’t always have to be the big brother constantly. You do realize you have a life of your own?”

“I mean, I haven’t been, recently. The big brother, I mean. It… I’ve been ignoring Izzy.” Was it him, or did the coffee start to taste a little sour? “And Jace. Jace, I mean… He’s… I don’t know how to feel about Jace. He’s… fine, I guess, without me.” The coffee definitely tasted sour now.

“Izzy…” Alec continued, eyes searching for the ceiling. “I’ve been doing a little better, now, I guess, but she was alone for a while, since I was always out with Quinn, and she was the only one who knew about our parents getting a divorce, and it just kind of… I just wasn’t there. So, yeah. Not really the big brother anymore, I guess.”

Magnus’ eyes searched at Alec for a while, and Alec let himself be open and vulnerable and risk Magnus feeling uncomfortable- he let Magnus see some of the pain he’d been carrying, let him understand some of the guilt, let a little embarrassment leak through at containing all of this.

Finally, after Alec cast his eyes down to his fingers (he couldn’t keep Magnus’ searing gold eye contact for too long), Magnus spoke. “It does get lonely. Even with Chairman Meow there. It’s fine, normally, but some nights, it gets almost unbearable.”

Alec felt a warm shoulder gently press into his for a moment before releasing. Something flipped in his stomach, and something like panic rose in his chest, and without thinking through or comprehending himself he closed his eyes and breathed in and carefully pressed his shoulder back.

It wasn’t much. There was barely any force added- just a small brush, just the barest of touches to show that- yes, I’m here. And they glanced at the TV, letting them connect this tiny part of themselves, hurdling back into Law and Order. Or, at least, Alec was attempting to. But really, he could only hear a roar, and it made his head pound he couldn’t place whether it was comforting or painful, whether it was terror or thrill, but he did know that he couldn’t focus on anything else. Just… a roar. Of something changing.

“I don’t believe I know what the hell is going on,” Magnus commented mildly, and Alec laughed, the roar bursting and softening into something… twitchy. And leaping.

Good? Alec questioned. Good?

He supposed so.

At some point, Magnus retrieved Alec's coat that he left and asked if Alec wanted to stay for some fancy, gourmet Chinese take-out, Alec (how much homework did he have tonight? he couldn’t say yes, honestly. he needed… time. and, wouldn’t his family be waiting for him to eat dinner? well, actually- they only ate dinner together if mom and dad weren't fighting. and they always were fighting. so… no. and his phone was on. so if they needed him, they could always text. but what about Izzy and Jace? did they want him home? was he supposed to do anything tonight? did he need his sleep for tomorrow? what was going on tomorrow- was there a workout? he couldn't stay up late tonight doing homework if there was a workout. no, too much, too much going on, he had to say no, unfortunately, he had to-) said yes.


	22. Scattered Moments

Alec had returned to a house of silence. Jace and Izzy were- presumably- in their rooms. His father was on the couch.

His tongue turned metallic. His feet trudged up the stairs softly. He bit his lips hard. He took out his phone, needing somebody, wanting somebody, and texted the first person he could think of.

Later, right before he fell asleep with smiles and a good night text message and burning eyes, he finally remembered Quinn, and wondered in a drowsy panic why he hadn’t thought of her first.

****

The car ride the next day was soupy. Alec felt like he was sludging through his motions, a little off from the body he normally took on when he was with Quinn.

Quinn hummed along to the radio and tapped her fingernails against the window, rolling the rhythm from her pinky to her index fingernails. She didn’t seem bitter exactly, having a hint of a smile directed out the window, but she didn’t make eye contact with him. 

Alec filled the silence. He was nervous. And Quinn completely and utterly could tell. His mouth lost all control, talking on and on about school, football, Jace dating whats-her-face. At one point, the only time Quinn made a comment, Quinn’s smile twitched and she flitted a hand on his shoulder.

“You are so  _ calm _ , Alec. Really and truly. I wish I had your stability.” she gave him the words softly and then took back her attention, turning her head away. Alec, taking a second to realize her sarcasm, laughed abruptly.

Relief, somehow, was there.

“Funny.” 

And then, after another encouraging, vaguely wider smile from Quinn, Alec launched himself back into the dynamics of Jace’s and his relationship. Quinn snorted at some points, letting him know she was listening. 

It wasn’t uncomfortable. 

*****

“Come get coffee after school.”

It was a light order. Nothing screaming, nothing hinting underneath the tone. Playful. Carefree.

But still an order.

“Of course.”

And Alec was excited, in a way. Quinn’s eyes were bouncing, and full of something else- something said that today was going to be exciting. After all, Alec hadn’t had an entire conversation with her for almost two days. There was bound to be some news waiting for him, some stories she’d been storing up. 

And she was happy, for some reason. Nervous. 

It was a vulnerable, softer sort of happy that only came out in very special moments. It was Alec’s favorite emotion on Quinn- it felt more real somehow. It felt like she was less spontaneous and more solid and  _ there _ . Less ready to combust and hurt herself. Less fiery. Less like Alec was holding his breath for something to happen.

He wanted Quinn happy. He liked seeing her smile like that.

And despite it all, he felt a little disappointed too.

Like plans were being taken away from him. Or something. Which was stupid, since he had no plans that day. Not like yesterday.

He wondered if Magnus was going to be with anyone else after school today. 

*******

Quinn and Alec were holding hands. It was nice, to have someone next to him like that. To have someone remind Alec that he was still there, in reality. And Alec really, really needed a reminder today.

Izzy and Jace and two other kids were talking.  _ Laughing _ . Around Jace’s locker. The girl was lithe and bony, with orange hair cascading down onto her shoulders. Even from far away, Alec could see the freckles sprinkled out from her skin. If it wasn’t for her smaller size, and the lighter, less fiery curls framing her face, Alec would think that she was Quinn. 

The boy was much taller. Glasses. Dark clothes. Messy short hair, like he didn’t brush it. Alec inhaled a little sharply as he glanced at his arms, which were just vaguely defined. Nothing like Jace’s, but… still. Nice. The boy seemed like he felt a little lost there, like Jace's locker was a territory he never expected himself to be in, but somehow, lost fit him well. Like he was comfortable being uncomfortable. And he kept sneaking glances at Izzy.

Alec snorted, immediately disinterested. He should’ve known. Admirers of Izzy flocked to her constantly. Something like relief settled in him- so these people weren’t “new friends” or anything. Thank the Angel. He didn't have to be nice or sociable to them.

But then… But then, right as Alec was already tugging Quinn towards Jace’s locker to join into the conversation, Jace leaned over, still letting a laugh spill in waves from his chest, and kissed the girl. The one who laughed in return and playfully pushed Jace away, who was looking at her like she was light. 

Alec stopped cold, and Quinn stopped with him.

Immediately, she started pulling Alec away, leading him down the hall, even though he couldn’t rip his eyes away from the scene. “Alec, darling,” she whispered, gently and quickly, smiling against his ear like she was telling him a secret. “Don’t stare. They could see you. People could see you. Keep your head up until out of sight. Don’t let them see they’ve affected you. Keep moving. Always keep moving.”

Alec dazedly walked, his family behind him. Jace didn’t kiss people in the hallways like that. Jace had never kissed anyone like that.

“Jace hadn’t told you what she looked like? Who she was?” Quinn whispered to him as she dragged him into the dark shadows behind the school. Alec shook his head. Quinn’s eyebrows furrowed. 

“Is that why you’re upset?”

Alec stayed motionless. “I just…” His tongue felt slow, sandy. “I just didn’t realize I knew so little about my family’s lives. I don’t… I don’t even know their names, the two people with them.”

That wasn’t quite it. That wasn’t quite all it, that was a part of it, but something was still nagging at him, something wasn't quite right, something was still tucked away-

Quinn rubbed his shoulder reassuringly, quietly. “Talk to them tonight.”

Alec clenched his fists and swallowed. He let out a sigh. “Yeah. Yeah.”

“Back inside, okay?”

“Okay.”

Quinn clenched his hand tighter. He clenched it back.

She didn’t understand, it was clear, but she didn’t question it further. She kept him moving on. She kept him from making a fool out of himself.

A surge of gratitude swelled inside Alec’s chest.

He leaned a little closer to her, and she squeezed his hand.

It was almost enough.

But Alec’s hand still itched for his phone.

*****

ALEC:

can we hang out tomorrow? unless you have swim or hw then that’s fine of course

******

MAGNUS:

wait for me after practice?


	23. Exceptional

The next week, Quinn snuck up on Alec at his locker, throwing her hands around his waist. He stiffened (in shock, of course) only for a second before relaxing.

He was about to say something stupid, probably, or something that resembled a greeting when she traced a pattern under his ear and said, “We haven’t gone on a date for a while.”

It was pointed and calculated and had a hard edge to it. Alec swallowed.

“Friday?” he offered, without turning around. 

There was a small, deafening silence before she gave him a fleeting kiss to his neck and left. She and the whole rest of that moment had seemed so quick and so surreal- the ghost of a breeze.

His fingers were shaking.

He cracked his knuckles, and something erupted in his brain.

*******

Somehow, within the past few weeks, Alec managed to get an understanding of Magnus’ schedule. Games were on Mondays or Fridays, normally. Occasionally on Thursdays. Which is why Friday was a good day for dates with Quinn, and why today, Wednesday, was a particularly good day for avoiding Quinn to hang out with Magnus.

Not avoid. That’s not the right word. More like get a break from. He’s had her on his back for, what, the past few months? Constantly together? Maybe he  _ needed _ a break. That’s what Magnus said, anyway. To  _ balance _ his time between friends and family and school and sports. Balance away from Quinn once in a while.

Magnus seemed like he knew everything, seemed like he had knowledge centuries away from his age of eighteen. It made Alec feel like a fish next to him.

He’d known it before, that Magnus was concrete and secure, but every second spent with him seemed to cement that thought into Alec’s brain. In the past few days, when Alec felt more like a mess than usual and Magnus looked more like a set, relaxed statue than usual, Alec would crack his knuckles together. 

After his third time doing this, Magnus snapped.

“ _ Stop it _ ,” his fingers clicked sharply together and he pointed at Alec’s hands. “My god. That  _ noise _ .”

Hesitantly, and just slightly terrified, Alec finished the action, sending three tiny cracks out into the room. He smiled sheepishly.

“ _ Alec! _ This is  _ my household _ !”

Alec snorted in response. A small, scared part of him rose up to whisper worries of impoliteness and  _ he’ll-never-invite-you-back-ever-again _ thoughts, but he squelched it. Magnus got more relaxed the more impolite Alec got, for whatever reason. 

No, that wasn’t quite it. The more  _ comfortable _ Alec got. Magnus was more comfortable when Alec was more comfortable.

(Something soft and warm came along with that idea. Alec was touched. Magnus wanted him comfortable.)

Alec did try to stop after that. He did. But his knuckles cracking was more of a subconscious thing- he did it without even realizing- and eventually Magnus took matters into his own hands. Quite literally.

“ _ I swear _ ,” Magnus bit out, pulling Alec’s hands apart and clenching them in mock anger. Alec had laughed, snorting a little, unable to help himself. “I will duct tape your arms to your sides.”

Alec continued giggling (actually giggling. he hated himself) and snorting until Magnus groaned and quickly let go of his hands. Alec felt the absence immediately, his fingers suddenly too cold. He rubbed them together, wondering if he should be embarrassed.

And then he wondered why he was wondering that.

“If you didn’t have the most childish laugh on the planet, you’d be dead,” Magnus commented. 

“Really?” Alec mumbled, a smile still playing on his face (although it was weighed down with a blush- childish? he knew his laugh was stupid, but childish?)- “You’d kill me? After all we’ve been through?”

That sentence hurt for Alec to hear, once it left his brain and echoed in the space around him. Firstly because it sounded so weak- Magnus was right; humor wasn’t Alec’s strong suit. His words fumbled and blurred and his tone wasn’t right for teasing. But even more so than that, it reminded Alec of reality.  _ “All we’ve been through”- you mean the past couple of weeks? A month ago, Magnus barely knew your name. What gives you the right to joke with him like this?  _

Alec winced just as Magnus sighed, rolling onto his stomach on the opposite couch. “Maybe you’re an exception.”

Alec’s smile had grown wider and his ears had grown hot.

This is how he realized just how often he cracked his knuckles- in class. In the car. Waiting for Magnus to end practice. Every time he did so, even absentmindedly, his mind produced that memory, along with a small glow of warmth that gave him a sunburn on his cheekbones and ears and under his ribcage.

It scared him. 

His fingers continued to shake.


	24. Something Golden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> double update today , 2/18. If you haven't read the previous chapter, read that before this one.

“Izzy.” 

She tried to ignore him, but she drooled when she slept. And her mouth was closed. So he knew she was listening.

“You don’t have to say anything back, but I need to tell you that-”

That what? That he was jealous? That he wanted to hang out with her and Jace and (god forbid- Simon and Clary, if he had to) sometime? That he was sorry for not reaching out like he said he would in the past week? That he would try to be there for her more?

“That I’m getting to be friends with this guy named Magnus now. The Warlock? You went to some of his parties? And I haven’t told anyone else, but I wanted to tell you. I don’t want anyone else to know but you.”

Silence. Still no drooling. Still no hanging open mouth. So.

“I don’t know why it’s so important to me. But that’s what I’ve been keeping from you, basically. If you’ve felt any pulling back from me. That’s what it is. I don’t know why.” He felt something break inside his chest. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why.” 

He was crying, and it was so stupid. This whole thing was so stupid. Everything was so- he was so weak, god damn. Why? Why was he so emotional right now? He was never this emotional. God damn. Shit. Hell. He only said about two sentences. He was the goddamn person in the wrong here. Shit. God. Why, why-

“Damn it,” Izzy cursed, and she threw off her covers. Some of them hit Alec in the face, and he choked a little when they did. And then he cried a little bit more, laughed a little bit more. Izzy came down and put her arms around him, and there was a blurry, watery, flash of a second where he could see that she knew something that he didn’t. And he asked again, “Why-?” but couldn’t say the right question. He was honestly asking, he wanted to know, but he could find the words-

“You can’t just cry every time you ignore me and have me forgive you,” Izzy muttered, after a couple of minutes, when Alec’s embarrassing display of emotions began to dry. “And if this snot stains, you’re buying me a new shirt.”

Alec choke-laughed some more, and Izzy hugged him a little more fiercely, a little tighter.

“I’m sorry, Iz.”

She patted his back awkwardly, her long nails digging gently into his skin, and said nothing.

*****

Alec managed to get a glimpse of Magnus today, during school hours. Which was rare. Very, very rare. They travelled on completely separate pathways, despite going to the same Institute.

It was hard not to miss him. He was wearing some sort of royal navy suit, golden dragons and patterns lacing up and down his arms and into his hair. His eyes sparkled, golden glitter on his forehead gleamed. He laughed one of the loudest, lightest laughs Alec had ever seen.

He looked like a storm. Something punched Alec in the chest.

Alec had stumbled, falling, with Quinn on his arm. He wasn’t sure how to react- he didn’t want anyone else to know that he and Magnus were friends, but did Magnus know that? Was Magnus going to wave to him? Should Alec pretend not to see, or would Magnus see right through that?

(Magnus would definitely see right through that.)

(And Quinn was here. Damn it. She especially… Out of all people, she was most definitely the person to keep this a secret from-"

Quinn startled, managing somehow (as she always did) not to look stupid, gracefully avoiding smacking into the ground. “Alec?” she was already looking around, narrowing her eyes in the direction they’d been walking. Alec suddenly felt a leap of complete and utterly uncontrollable fear take hold of his throat, wheezing, like Quinn would narrow her eyes at Magnus and suddenly know it all. His head felt dizzy. He couldn’t breathe.

Something flashed through his mind- Magnus taking his hand and helping him up. Magnus speaking to Quinn. Quinn attempting to throw herself onto Magnus, take him down. Alec’s chest constricted into the smallest of cubes, and he nearly gasped.

“Alec, can you hear me?” Quinn sighed, exasperation leaking into her words. “Are you okay? Do you have a concussion?”

Alec flicked his head dizzily down the hall. The storm of navy and gold was gone. Magnus was gone. His breathing slowed back down again. “Sorry,” Alec managed, and then continued to sit there, unable to think of anything else to say.

Magnus acted lighter around his friends than he did around Alec. Less careful. More like he had the world wrapped around his fingers and could bend and twist the fates just the way he’d like to. 

Free.

It hurt.

“ _ Alec _ .”

It was different when Magnus said it. Even when he snapped, something golden and warm was there.

“ _ Alec! _ ”

“Shit,” Alec thought aloud. The word matched the situation, in some odd way that Alec couldn’t explain.

Quinn had promptly dragged Alec down to the nurse’s office to check for a concussion. Partly because she thought that he actually had one, and partly because if he didn’t have one, she wanted to make sure he suffered a little, for acting like such an idiot.


	25. Textual Relationships

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> <3

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

if u ever vomit on my chaise couch, btw, were no longer frnds

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

:)))))))))

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I’d probably stab myself if I ever vomited in front of anyone, period.

 

_ALEXANDER:_

So that’d be okay, since I’d be dead.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

yes but then i cldnt plan yr funeral

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

and good god that wld be a shame

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Do I really want glitter all over my coffin though?

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

*****casket. this isnt the 1700s, darling

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

and yes.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

also im offended

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Coffins are still around! Maybe I want something cheap and simple!

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

NO.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

i refuse

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

WHY would u subject yr dead body 2 that????

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I thought you weren’t planning my imaginary funeral, since I imaginary-vomited on your chaise couch.

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Which couch is your chaise couch again?

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

im just telling u what u WLD miss out on if u did imaginaryvomit on my chaise. yr body would miss out on the mst comfortable death any persn wld b able to experience

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

both of them.

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Why would my unfeeling dead body need comfort?!?!

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

but espclly dont vomit on the nice plush royal purple one

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

Because!!!!!!!! Respect! Wed be respecting yr body! U have a problm w not apprciatng nice thongs

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

**things

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

HA

 

_ALEXANDER:_

oh my gosh

 

_ALEXANDER:_

ahahaha :)

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

so are u actlly sick or r u just “”sick”” of school

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Actually sick.

 

_ALEXANDER:_

It’s not fun.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

i never said it was

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

its not like yr missing anyhting though

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I am, though. Hunter’s practice, a bio quiz, seeing friends, not being stuck here with my dad

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I actually kind of like school surprisingly

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

so youve mentioned

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

i cant say i quite feel the same way

 

_ALEXANDER:_

You seemed like you were having fun last week though

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

???????????

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Oh. I saw you in the hallway with your friends last week. You were laughing and couldn’t stop smiling

 

_ALEXANDER:_

You just seemed really happy

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I know that doesn’t mean that you are happy but it just kind of seemed like it

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

did u wave? I can’t recall seeing u last wk

 

_ALEXANDER:_

No, I ddn’t

 

_ALEXANDER:_

*didn’t

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I fell down and was embarrassed

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Also I wasn’t sure if you’d wave back or how to act or anything

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Also I was with Quinn and I wasn’t sure if she’d ask questions if I waved to you or

 

_ALEXANDER:_

I don’t know I was just being stupid.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

Next time you should wave.

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

I would definitely wave back.

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Okay I will

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

If Quinn seriously makes you feel like you can’t wave to someone then I don’t know if she’s worth it

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Yeah I don’t know

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

do u want me 2 bring soup? i dnt have practice 2day and i feel like ditching

 

_ALEXANDER:_

MAGNUS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THAT

 

_ALEXANDER:_

DON’T DITCH SCHOOL!!!!

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

youve 4gotten that i dnt give a shit abt school

 

_ALEXANDER:_

*YOU* always forget that you need school to have a good future!

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

do i tho?

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Okay, fine, more importantly, you need school to STAY ON THE WARLOCK’S TEAM.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

do u even like soup though

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Magnus. Seriously that would be awesome but I’d feel bad the entire time while you were here

 

_ALEXANDER:_

And I’d get you sick too and then feel even shittier

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

:(((((((

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

FIIIiiiiiiiIIIINE.

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

I wont

 

_ALEXANDER:_

Thank you so much for offering, though

 

_ALEXANDER:_

It made me feel a lot better

 

_ALEXANDER:_

:))))

 

**MAGNUS BANE (WARLOCK):**

of course. what kind of frnd wld i be if i hadnt??


	26. Need

Alec saw Magnus before Magnus saw him, and he started to feel sick all over again. Faint. Light-headed. 

Pain.

_ Thank god Quinn wasn’t with him _ .

Magnus was at Alec's locker. Magnus was never at Alec's locker. Alec had rarely ever seen Magnus in this locker hall at all, let alone at his locker.

For once, Alec was at a loss of words. Magnus looked so _natural_ lounging alone, waiting for Alec with his glittering leather jacket (bedazzled. Because, you know. Why not.) and floral jeans, like he’d done it a million times before. Does he wait for everyone by their lockers like that? How can anyone stand it?

Magnus lazily found Alec’s face, and he straightened and brightened, and Alec’s eyes had to shut. It was too much for him, sick and trudging through the morning. Magnus was too much.

A jolt from someone rushing past- his vision opened up again to the sight of a bag that Magnus brought out from behind him, and Magnus was clearly so proud of himself, lips curling up like a cat’s, eyes dancing, that Alec knew he was in trouble.

He managed to continue walking. Alec’s smile was unstoppable, and he was embarrassed of it- big, shy, awkward. He wanted to hide it from Magnus’ gaze, knowing that the other could probably cut his smile into pieces and analyze every secret in it.

“What-” Alec began to say, the smile still taking up too much space on his face, still impossible to tone down, and Magnus grinned, all bright and childlike and proud, and he said, “Soup. I might have heard that you were sick, yes?”

And all of Alec’s cells combusted, ripping apart into a million pieces, and this was pain like he’s never felt before, and he thinks he knows why, and he can’t let himself think it.

******

Quinn was in a bad mood. Alec was just so, so tired. He was sick, and tired, and tired, and wanted to go away for a while and never come out.

She watched him with dark, dark eyes, a shadow cold and twisting underneath. He was supposed to say something- she was angry, she was impatient, she wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with him. He was supposed to be reassuring. He was supposed to kiss her, giving her what she’s been waiting for for the past month. He was supposed to do something.

Instead, he walked away.

******

That night he couldn’t breathe.

He could still smell the soup.

He cried, air not coming in when it needed to, his body shoving in heaves.

When Magnus texted, he didn’t text back.

******

When he woke up, Izzy was sleeping next to him, just like he used to do for her when they were kids and she had nightmares. 

******

He tried to avoid Magnus and Quinn that day and succeeded. Magnus texted only once more, to ask if he was all right. 

The pain worsened a thousand fold.

******

The day was blurred with black and haze. He stayed by Izzy’s side, watched Jace flirt with Carrie numbly, watched Carrie’s friend awkwardly shift behind them. 

Izzy tried to get him to talk, and he just couldn’t. He didn’t even want to think. He didn’t want to understand himself, or figure himself out, he just wanted to lay down and sleep. Instead, he laid his head on her shoulder, and she sighed. 

Pre-calc helped, somewhat. There was a test on Friday. Good. Something to focus on.

Football helped a lot, too, after Jace stopped flinging questions at him, going on about how they don’t get to see each other anymore. (That, also, had stung utterly to the bone.)

By the end of it all, though, he was worse off than yesterday. He texted Magnus and Quinn with shaky fingers.

He needed them more than he could bear to cut them off.


	27. End of the World

Alec knew that the day Izzy couldn’t find someone in her millions of love interests and friends to drive her to school would be the day that the world ended.

He completely and totally had guessed it.

Quinn had been tense the past week, the air muddy and thick around her. Getting through to her was slow and dragging. Alec felt like he was walking through a swamp, trying to move on and move faster but unable to get his toes out from all the sludge.

Anyway, the end of the world happened on a Monday. Izzy hopped into his car, taking up the front space that Quinn normally occupied. Alec had frozen completely. The car stopped in the middle of the street.

Izzy had shrieked. “Are you  _ stupid _ ?”

“What are you-” Alec blinked, and Izzy shrieked again, a car emerging from the side. 

“Go, go, go!”

Alec hit the gas, and the silence overwhelmed them, and it took him a couple of seconds to realize that he was going in the wrong direction.

A quick, jerking, painful halt caused another shriek from Izzy as he promptly stopped, turned a corner, turned another corner, and continued going in the opposite direction. 

“ _ This is why I don’t normally get into your car _ .”

“This wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t get into my car!”

“You’re going the wrong way. Did you forget where the school was?”

“Quinn? Remember? Have to pick her up.”

Izzy let out a string of expletives. “Fuck. I forgot.  _ That’s _ why I don’t get into your car.”

“You…” Alec started, and then winced, heroically preventing himself from pressing the brake. This was going to be a problem. Quinn normally sat shotgun.

Izzy also should be able to sit shotgun.

Which is the safer of the two?

Oh, god. Neither. 

Alec decided to not decide anything. As usual. His brain started to pound, and he almost ran a red light.

Izzy exploded in his ear. “Remind me to just  _ skip school  _ the next time I don’t have a ride.”

Alec’s hands clenched, trying to get a grip. “Sorry. Sorry.”

What would Magnus do, if he was here, now? Probably would tell a joke to lighten Izzy’s storm cloud fury. Probably would say something soft to Alec and place a hand on his back to steady him. Probably remind him not to think about Quinn too much.

Probably would tell Quinn to get into the backseat like someone with a spine should.

Probably wouldn’t wince as Quinn came down the stairs coldly, a wind flying with her as she came, spotting Izzy, and suddenly announcing that she was ditching today, wouldn’t Alec like to join?

Probably wouldn’t stare in silence. Just say no, thanks, or yes, after I drop off my sister, wait for me?

Wouldn’t watch Quinn sneer. Wouldn’t watch Izzy bite out savage, dripping words at her. Wouldn’t watch Alec’s sister and Quinn nearly rip each others’ throats out.

Wouldn’t let Quinn say, “Fine. Don’t come with me. In fact, don’t come with me anywhere, Alec. At all. Not anymore.”

Magnus Bane, if he was in the car, would most probably not let Izzy blow a tirade about Alec’s bitch of a girlfriend and how she doesn’t even know how Alex got to be that  _ shallow _ .

Izzy’s rants got louder and Alec turned up the terrible pop song, the one about noodles and junk and sloppy innuendos. And he recognized it, horrifyingly. Because of Magnus. Because he’d been blasting it one day in his apartment last Saturday. Why did all of his thoughts and actions always lead back to Magnus?

The day of the song, Alec had been wandering over to that part of town on a morning run. And then he’d found himself winding down Magnus’ street, sweat warm underneath layers but fingers and neck and cheeks burning from the cold. And he’d realized that he kind of wanted to take a break. A really, really long break.

And so, without even thinking, he ran up and rang the doorbell.

And then panicked. Because his brain had finally caught up.

He was showing up uninvited.

He began to back up, trying to rewind, trying to tell himself to either leave or at the very least explain calmly that you were jogging past and just wanted to say a quick hello and nothing more-

The door opened, and Alec nearly tripped on his own shoes, flinging back into the railing on accident. A hand the shade of deep olive flew out to catch him and missed.

Alec’s cheeks nearly began to melt from how much they burned. He laughed, nervously, as Magnus sleepily scrunched his eyes closed and open, trying to brushing off the surprise. The hand that still wavered in front of Alec’s face swept closer and grabbed Alec’s thinly sleeved arm, which was prickling in goosebumps from taking a break from the jog.

Before he could even open his mouth, blaring sounds and tunes filtered into his thoughts. The phrase “play with my noodles” along with various pounding beats in the background came into understanding. Alec looked past Magnus briefly and blinked. “Noodles?”

The Warlock laughed, bright and full. Alec couldn’t help but join in.

“So, Alexander-” Magnus stated, and then shook the words off with his head, as another bewildered morning laugh overtook him. “I’m getting the impression that you like to surprise.” 

Alec’s tongue was fumbled. As usual. He tried to say something about being on his way, just stopping by to say hello, but what came out instead was a blurted “Sorry to wake you, or bother you in the morning or the middle of the day, without warning- I just wanted to see you.”

(Apparently Magnus was right. Alec somehow couldn’t even help surprising himself.)

Magnus had smiled like something was breaking. Like it was some good kind of painful. Alec’s brain’d nearly shut down.

“Oh, if you’re busy, I can go. Sorry about that. I forgot to text and everything. I’m, uh, on a jog anyway, so I should probably finish that-”

“Do you want coffee? Or tea? Something caffeinated? Because I’m making something caffeinated for myself if you want to join.”

Alec flushed. Because of his inability to speak. Because of his clumsiness and his tripping all in front of Magnus’ lazy grace and easy smiles. 

Because he continued to stay silent while Magnus looked on at him with pointed, hazel gold eyes and amused eyebrows. 

Alec managed, “If that’s not a bother.”

Magnus smiled in response and beckoned him into a world of bad music and glitter. 

Alec felt the block of warmth hit his face and neck immediately, soaking down through his chest, and he’d sighed. 

Alec couldn’t help but smile as the Noodle Song blared through his car, even with Quinn behind him, even with Izzy fuming on the side. He turned it up just slightly, and his sister’s firestorm of words immediately snuffed out. “You  _ like _ this garbage?”

Alec stiffened, and then relaxed, feeling soft and safe in this bubble with his sister. He remembered crying in her arms, letting a secret spill from his lips. He remembered that he no longer needed to pretend around this one person, and the weight on his shoulders got lighter. “No,” he couldn’t help but say with some giddy delight, suddenly very glad Quinn wasn’t in the car. “But Magnus does.”

He had to keep his eyes on the road, but out of his peripheral vision, he could see his sister slowly smile.

For the world ending around his head, he was feeling pretty okay.


	28. What Have I Missed?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Casual Hamilton in the title. No shame

Alec, quietly, now suddenly without a Quinn at his side, made his way over to Jace and Izzy. Normally, he’d go out to eat with Quinn, or he’d eat alone, but for some reason he had the feeling that he’d been gone from family lunches for a little too long.  
A feeling that intensified once he realized that the table making up Izzy and Jace and some of the other Hunters had grown a little larger.   
That newbie Jace was dating. Claire. And her friend, the Vampire, from basketball. What was he doing with Hunters? Didn’t he have a group of his own to hang out with? Did he really need Izzy’s attention that badly?  
“Alec,” Jace noticed as he approached, “It’s been, what, a year?”  
“I see you at the house every day,” Alec stated solemnly, and Jace laughed. Something eased up slightly in Alec’s muscles as he saw Izzy scootch a seat over for him, all fluid surprise. It was easy to get back into the flow here. He was welcome.  
He raked his eyes across the Vampire and Claire, shooting a couple of daggers along the way. You, he couldn’t help but think to himself. Are not.   
He looked up and caught Jace’s eyes for a second. The look on his (adopted!) brother’s face stayed blank and cool, although a little searching. Jace looked away, but that second was enough- Alec had faltered. Were things still the same? Had he been gone for too long?   
“Hi,” something broke into his thoughts. A twitching, too-big smile, from the other side of Izzy, leaning over to be in Alec’s view. “I’m Simon! I’ve seen you walking around, with that cheerleader? I thought I’d never get to meet you without her. She’s kind of a bitch, right?”  
Izzy elbowed him, and his head disappeared out of view with an “ow!” Alec stared at the spot where his head was. He vaguely recognized distinct whispers of “You said she was?” and “Yes, but only I can say it? I’m his sister?”   
Most definitely, possibly, yeah, he’d been gone for too long.   
“Please excuse Simon,” Claire’s voice cut through his thoughts, and his head snapped up in one jerk. He analyzed her in a couple moments- reddish hair, a little browner and duller than Quinn’s, less fiery. Jeans, black t-shirt. Pale skin, full face, heart-shaped. Hazel eyes. Chapped lips when she smiled. Normal. All normal, normal, normal. Why this one, exactly? “For his incredible inability to think before he speaks.”  
Jace snorted and lightly cast a look at Claire. A bright look. A beaming look. As beaming as a look can be for Jace.  
“This is Clary,” (oh, hell, Clary?) Izzy put in, jabbing a scarlet nail in the girl’s direction, as Jace was a little preoccupied with all his... looking.   
Alec winced as a smile. Clary gave him a small nod in return.  
He felt the conversation flow and pick up speed around him. He remained quiet, and whether his sister and brother (adopted!) noticed if anything was wrong or not was unrecognizable. Whether Alec noticed if anything was wrong or not was unrecognizable.  
He waited for fifth period to come.  
*****  
She wasn’t there at school the next day either. It came to Alec’s attention- somewhere in his next lunch with his friends (family?) and their new friends (definitely not family), feeling quiet and unpronounced.  
He missed Quinn. He missed the sense of safety he had around her and he missed the comfort in his chest. He hadn’t realized how much of a Routine they both had become. He hadn’t realized how much he would notice when she disappeared.   
Had she disappeared? Was their break up serious? Normally she would let him know by now.   
He worried.  
Not necessarily all about Quinn, though. Which made him worry even more.  
He knew what he didn’t miss.  
He knew.  
You know.   
The words on the border sign of an unexplored brain country. He knew it was there but he didn’t let himself wander in.  
He didn’t let himself think of it.   
He missed Quinn.

 

 


End file.
